It's His Birthday...

Today is his birthday. It's been five years. Five years. It feels like a big milestone. He is five years old today. We are five years as "special" parents. We've made it five years.

Five years ago this day was without a doubt the weirdest and hardest day of my life. This tiny little boy came bursting into our lives, completely unexpected. The anticipation was great awaiting the arrival of our second child. I was one week overdue and we spent April 20, 2011 calling the hospital every few hours to see if they had space for me to come in for an induction. By the evening I was finally in labor and able to go in. I was excited and felt like an old pro because I'd done this once before. This time I was pregnant for two weeks longer than the first time and even more eager to meet this baby and experience the joy of seeing and holding your newborn. But that joy lasted for only a moment. Then I was holding the tiniest little boy and wondering who in the world this was and then they took him and we knew. We knew that something wasn't right. And just like that, joy left the day and in it's place was the strangest feeling. I think my only thought and prayer was,  "Please Lord, let him live."

And oh how he lives! He is happy and endearing. I think people sort of find him irresistible. He loves everyone and it seems that everyone who knows him loves him back :) I'm so thankful that God put us in the place we are for this season. Liam has a ministry. We truly believe that. For those of you who know him and see him I think you know this. And for those of you who aren't here, I wish you could see it. I know God has used and will continue to use Liam to minister to people. Our Father is so good! He perfectly placed us right where we are to be surrounded with the support Liam needs and people who love him and our family. His goodness is overwhelming to me.

Liam wanted one thing for his birthday, chocolate cake. Which of course we will have with dinner tonight. And he wanted people to eat dinner with him. He wanted all of his grandparents and he wanted another sweet and special family to join us. And of course, who can say no to Liam? The grandparents can't be here but his friends will be. A family who do not have any children close to his age and Liam loves every single one of them, kids and adults, like they're his best friends in the world. Thanks for loving him guys :)

Of course this is Liam's day but my best friend said to me today that it's also my day. It's my special mama birthday. God has used Liam to minister to me as well. We are facing a big transition. The move to Kindergarten. It has stirred up all the feels, just like his birth, diagnosis, and transition to preschool did. All I can do is trust. Trust that God loves him and holds him in His hand. I'm not always good at that.

But today we celebrate with all the joy. All the joy we lost five years ago today replaced with a joy we could not have imagined. We celebrate five years of ups and downs. Five years of knowing him and loving him. Five years of facing that he's different but knowing that he's special. Five years. We wouldn't trade them. He's ours and we could not be more proud of our sweet Liam James. Happy Birthday little man! We love, love, love you!

An Overwhelming Weight

Sometimes the weight overwhelms me...

The bad. The ugly. The SIN.

The darkness inside runs deep. It festers and seeps out. It encroaches on and is intent on extinguishing the light. The overflow spills out and reveals itself. And guilt and shame threaten to hold me down. Instinct bids me hide. The retreat allows the darkness to grow, or is it the light diminishing? 

And so I'm overwhelmed. It is bad. Ugly. SIN. 

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." ~ 1 Timothy 1:15

I am the worst. 

It steadily resounds within me. It cripples and is a wicked thief. I'm robbed of contentment, confidence, and joy. And even worse, I shove the gift away. I don't trust. I don't accept. I am the worst.

But the Giver refuses to let go. 

The power of the gift is too great to resist. It whispers soft and warm and light. 

GRACE. 

Grace born out of a love so deep I cannot comprehend it. Manifested in a sacrifice so great it crushes. And ultimately it remains a power indescribable. 

"For the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." ~ 1 Corinthians 1:18

"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners..."

It is undeserved. I strive to make myself worthy. To deserve the gift. But I cannot attain it. I struggle to see past my sin. It is an ugly and selfish place to be. It is DARK. 

But the Giver is faithful. He is faithful when I am not. He faithfully reminds me that I have accepted His gift. In the dark and in the striving the power of grace whispers light.

"'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'" ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

His grace is enough. He is enough. His power is enough. And confession brings in light to dispel the darkness. And repentance lifts the crushing weight of guilt and shame and regret. And His grace pours out and over and in.

And I am overwhelmed by the weight of His love.

Almost 4

Each year as Liam's birthday approaches I find myself reflecting on the time of his birth and the weeks following. In five days my sweet little man will be 4. This year he finally understands and for weeks now has been saying daily, 

"Mommy, it birfday amost."
"Yes Liam. It's almost your birthday. How old will you be?"
"I free."
You're three now but how old will you be on your birthday?"
"Fie!" This is said with a cheeky little grin because he knows but he likes to play.
"Not five yet, how old will you be?"
"Four!"

And each time we walk up the stairs, we are counting as we go, and when we hit four Liam never fails to shout out, 

"I four! It birfday amost!"
"It's almost Liam's birthday. What do you want for your birthday?"
"My presents. Chocolate!"

And my heart rejoices because he walks. He talks. And he is funny. He is happy. He prays. He sings. He is just so perfectly, wonderfully Liam. He fits into our family so well. We wouldn't change a thing. Not a moment of those dark months after he was born, not any little part of what makes Liam, Liam.  He is so loved and he loves so well. 

Hope

I've been sitting on a blog post for a while now. This one in particular is actually a testimony that I wrote out a few months ago. We were asked to share our testimony about Liam and it was then videoed and shared one Sunday as part of the sermon series we just finished. You can view that video here and then clicking on our names on the list.

On this night 3 years ago we were at the hospital awaiting the arrival of "Ruthie." It seems strange and surreal looking back on it now. Our journey is still young but the theme is most definitely HOPE...

April 21, 2011 should have been a day full of joy and excitement as we welcomed our second child into the family. However, that day could easily go down as one of the hardest days of our lives. When Liam entered the world things were immediately “weird” as he was not the daughter we were expecting. As soon as the nurses began their examination of him we recognized immediately that there was some whispering going on that led us to believe something was not okay. We spent the first 24 hours of his life meeting various specialists, having tests (bloodwork, ultrasound), and just trying to trust God for peace and knowing that things would be fine. One week later we received a phone call that absolutely devasted us, our son, wouldn’t be a “typical” little boy. He probably wouldn’t play on a sports team or take a girl to prom. He probably wouldn’t go to college or get married one day. We immediately began to grieve for that little boy we’d lost and I (Megan) remember questioning God. I didn’t question why He would give us a special needs child, I questioned why He would do that our son. Why would He allow our son to face these unknown challenges and be robbed of a “normal” life? How is that just?

Those first six months of Liam’s life are referred to as “The Black Hole” in our little family. They were hard and sad and I’m not so sure we remember much. But they couldn’t have been totally black because we do remember clinging to hope and truth. We could not have survived without believing and knowing that the Creator, who gives life, ordains life, made this little boy and made him with a purpose. 

We had no control over the line-up and organization of Liam’s chromosomes. And maybe we shouldn’t have been surprised that expectations are something that do not control outcomes. We all learn that in our walks with the Lord, no matter our circumstances but I think we forget. So we have been blown away at God’s goodness in the life of our little boy and our family. Liam has exceeded expectations. He is nothing that we thought he would be in those early days. Of course we still have a lifetime to go in this journey, but what we know, the hope we have in Christ, is that this is not in fact, a “black hole.”

During those 6 months of “The Black Hole” I can remember having conversations with Joe and among friends that I needed a redeeming experience. I wanted a do over. A friend brought up to me recently that she remembers me telling her I just had this need to end on a good note. I think that this was a feeling I experienced more so than Joe. Just as a mother I wanted, needed, to have one more baby where things would be “normal.” Liam’s birth not only robbed us of the joy parents experience in welcoming a new child but for me it also robbed me of the any of the joy I’d felt in the pregnancy and the first six months of his life and I wanted a do over. 

It really isn’t easy to say stuff like that. I guess it could sound, well, not great and it certainly is not a good reason to have another child. At this point Liam is just what our family needed (which of course the Lord knew) and we wouldn’t trade who he is for what he could have been. No way. But God really does love us and He really does hear us and sometimes He really does give us the desire of our hearts.

Both of us are overwhelmed at His goodness and love and overflowing with joy in the anticipation of the new addition to our family coming in July. This baby represents hope and redemption. I admit that the thought of another biological child has at times been terrifying. What if it doesn’t go well? What if something is different about this baby too? Will we spend an entire pregnancy in fear and anxiety until we see that little one and can verify that things are “normal?” 

But these are things beyond our control. And who are we to dictate to God how things should be? He is the giver of life, He knows who this little one is and will be. Maybe He’s given us a sense of knowing that everything is just fine with this baby or maybe it’s from all He’s taught us through our experience with Liam but we have peace. Peace that whatever happens this time it will be okay. We have hope because we have Him. 

On our wedding program we left our guests with a prayer and when I think about this theme of hope in our lives it seems to me that the Lord was speaking to us about our life together in the Word we wanted to share with those celebrating our marriage:

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” ~ Romans 15.13

Contentment Where I Am

To be content living where I am is not easy for me. Even as a small child I can remember not being content where my family lived even though I never wanted to leave them and I had no clue what lay beyond my world in the rural tobacco farmland of south central Virginia. I like to think that this discontentment I've felt with the place I am living is a result of my soul longing for my Home. My soul knowing and understanding that this place in the universe designed by our Creator for us to live out our earthly lives was never intended to be our home. My soul longing to be with Him.

Sure it's wonderful to know and understand that I'm not home yet but the truth is God places us wherever we are with a specific purpose in mind. Ultimately that is to labor for His harvest, bringing souls to the kingdom and ultimately glory to His name.

This country girl never could have imagined or chosen to make San Francisco, California home. I would have thought raising my children in this place would happen....NEVER. But here we are. Both of my kids were born in this city and this is the home they know.

I could allow myself to get lost in the things that make being here so hard. And sometimes I most definitely do that. It is so hard living thousands of miles from family. I grew up with grandparents just down the road, my kids see theirs weekly on skype and in person a few times a year. I cannot call my mom to watch the kids when I'm sick or just need a break. I cannot believe how much wonder the sight of cow brings to Sophie Grace because she is not growing up with them grazing next door. And will my children think that Mimi and Grandpa live in a big park because Golden Gate Park is the biggest expanse of green and trees they ever see? 

My kids are growing up in a flat. In the ugliest building on our block. But wow, we have 3 bedrooms and 2 full baths, a parking spot and laundry in our building, and that my friends is something else in the city. Our outer walls are all of an inch from the houses on either side of us and the space out back that could in fact be a nice little back yard where the kids could play is overgrown with weeds and thorns. 

So, I live in the city far from family and it gets lonely and it gets hard and I long for an escape. 

But then I remember why we are here and I can reflect on how God has changed my heart for this place, for these people.

So here is my second Thanksgiving Thursday...for San Francisco.

I am thankful that my kids get to go to the zoo and once a  month, just because we live here, it's free! We get to see and marvel at exotic animals and stand amazed at the wonder of God's creation.

Exactly 1.8 miles west of our house lies the vast expanse of the mighty Pacific. It is amazing. The always cold waters are crashing in rhythm against sandy beaches broken up by rocky cliffs and it is stunning. I am thankful.

We get to walk to the library, the market for fresh fruits and veggies, all kinds of stores for things we might need, museums, playgrounds, Starbucks for pumpkin spice lattes :) We walk there! I grew up having to drive at least 5 miles, if not much, much more to do any of that stuff. I am thankful for the convenience of the city.

I am looking for things to be grateful for so that I can choose to be content where I am. Searching for joy in the midst of what is so hard. And then, in a night of prayer at the church we absolutely love the reality hits me.

What a privilege to be living in a city with just under one million of God's most prized creation. People are here, everywhere. People He made in His image. People He created to be in relationship with Him. People, who for the most part, do not know Him. And my heart is broken. He loves them! He is the God of this city, these are His people and He longs for them. Can you imagine what God could do in San Francisco if the people turned to Him? Can you imagine what the eyes of our nation and even the world would see if all of a sudden this place became an abundant harvest of souls choosing to live in relationship with their Creator because they know and accept the Savior? 

I am so thankful. Thankful for First Baptist Church San Francisco, and the others in this city who share a vision to reach the people of this city. Thankful for this beautiful city, in one of the most beautiful locations, full of beautiful people He loves. 

I am thankful that even though sometimes I long to be living anywhere else, God has chosen for our family to be here right now and I "beseech the Lord of the harvest" to show me exactly how He wants to use me and my family to share who He is in this city. 

If ever He calls us to move on from this place, I certainly will have left my heart (at least in part) in San Francisco.

Fighting the Thief

Before I left New York someone told me,

"Do not let Satan steal your joy. It is a gift from God."

Those words have been prophetic. In the nearly 6 years since that day I have been in a fight for joy. Which is why this blog has the name it does. I have been looking, searching, and for the most part coming up empty. And the fault is mine. Rather than look in the one place to only One where it can be found, I've been looking everywhere and finding nothing. And I am weary.

In my last post I wrote that I am reading Ann Voskamp's, One Thousand Gifts. The book is challenging me to thanksgiving and it is transforming and do you know what comes from giving thanks to the One who set it all in motion? JOY.

So I am reading Luke, seeing and hearing Jesus. The One. And I am finding throughout Paul's letters that always, always he calls his readers to be thankful in prayer and to do everything with thanksgiving (Colossians 4.2; 3.16). You can find it throughout the New Testament but Colossians is full of it and our church just finished a sermon series on that letter so it is fresh for me.

Since last night I have been meditating on this,

"Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving."
Colossians 4.2

An attitude of thanksgiving. I think this means always, every day. I am trying to put this into practice and have challenged myself each week from now until Thanksgiving to write here about how I am practicing thanksgiving over the last week. And here is my first week:

I am thankful for bright sun breaking up the fog and giving us sunny, warm days here in the City by the Bay. For fall and all that comes with it, school, football, and pumpkin spice =)

I am thankful for God prompting the hearts of people to generosity. As we raise our funding to be serving college students here in this city I am privileged and humbled by those supporting us from the beginning and new partners letting us know that God is leading them to contribute. WOW. Blessed.

I am thankful for the theology that spills out of the mouth of my daughter, an overflow from her heart, as we walk the city streets and she tells me about all the places God is because, "He's every where mommy!" And it delights her.

I am thankful for the little voice I hear at 6am talking. He is speaking actual words! He has around 50 and it is growing daily and I've waited so long to hear him and when I walk in the room he says "mama." It is pure joy! This, that was so devastating to us a little over 2 years ago. Bringing us into mourning for the child he would never be. How could we have not rejoiced in the good God planned knowing that he was exactly perfect for us and us exactly perfect for him?!?!

Thanksgiving brings joy and you know what else? It is pushing me into love with my Savior.

Thanksgiving Thursday.

Legacy

I am being touched, moved by a legacy.

I did not know Christina well. She was a passing hello and exchange of the typical how are you and what's new in the hallways of Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary and the friendly smile that greeted us with welcome and coffee as we walked into the doors of First Baptist Church San Francisco on Sunday mornings. I admired her unique style and often remember loving a dress she was wearing or an accessory choice. But this week as she passed from earth into eternity with our Savior I find myself deeply impacted by her legacy.

My news feed is bombarded with pictures and posts her close friends and family are sharing that celebrate her life. It is unquestionable that her life touched many and that her legacy is one that reflects the character of Christ. Selflessness, generosity, joy, and gentleness are continually mentioned or described (along with adventure and coffee:)). If you don't know Christina and you want to see what I'm talking about please read Sarah's memories.

This summer the Lord has been calling me to examine my life and how I'm making an impact. I have been awakened to my faults in relationship. Relationship with Him and with others. The biggest revelation has come in the last few weeks as I began reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp which, coupled with our current sermon series at FBCSF on Colossians, led me to Luke and the life of Jesus (trust me, it led me there :)). 

Discontentment. That's where I've been living. And slowly He's opening my eyes to where He is in every day. And I'm rejoicing in thanksgiving. And I'm eager for transformation and desperately longing for joy and contentment in any circumstance, any where. My eyes are searching for Him in my day to day and finding Him every where. 

And I see Him in Christina's legacy.

And I want desperately, when all that's left of me are memories, for my legacy to be Him.

So today I am thankful for Christina and her legacy. I am thankful that God uses the lives of people who are passing acquaintances on this earth to reveal to us more of Him. Thankful that the lives of other believers challenge the way I'm living the faith. 

I know that Christina's legacy is touching thousands and many are strangers; people who never knew her in this life but who have now been touched by the life she lived. And those people are giving back to her family and friends and legacy through the creativity and thoughtfulness of Sarah and others who love her (see Sarah's blog again for how you can too :)). I hope that by writing this blog and sharing how the Lord is using Christina's legacy to teach me I can pass her legacy on to many others who will see Jesus in the life she lived. 

I'm challenged to live my life now in a way that will leave a legacy of Him. To focus on Him and the eternal rather than what is earthly and temporary. To be content and full of joy because of the thanksgiving I give to Him for His grace. I'll leave you with this scripture which has been playing itself over and over in my mind as I consider legacy:

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4.16-18

Blessed in the Unexpected

This past week I caught up with two of my best friends from college and it did my heart so good! I'm not often homesick but every once in a while I am overwhelmed by the desire to be in Virginia. This longing is two-fold: sometimes a girl just needs to visit her roots, see her family, and let my family take care of me and love my babies for a few days; and sometimes I just cannot help but remember my college days and just long to be sitting around having a good talk with my girl friends.

This leads me to reflect on the life that God has given me and how wholly unexpected it is. Nothing in my life has gone according to plan, my plan anyway. Most of the time I'm okay with that but if I'm completely honest with myself there are times when I think, "why?" 

Let's not dwell on the questions though. They come in the night and are not part of what is good and true. I just want to stay honest and I do not think any of us can honestly claim to have everything all together. I certainly don't.

My sweet friend Sarah told me recently that to her, it seems like I have everything in my life that most people want. I have an absolutely amazing man that I am honored to call husband and two beautiful children that I adore and delight in. This is true. I have these things. But it's in the details that everything is so unexpected.

Joe is so much better than I could have ever dreamed a husband to be. I am so thankful and so blessed that God knew what we needed and brought us together. I always thought I would be married right after graduating college which didn't happen. At the time it felt a bit devastating for that desire to not come true but getting married 2 years later really isn't that big of deal. And honestly, as I approach 30, I realize how young 24 is and how ok it would have been to wait longer. The Lord brought me to a place that I didn't really care how long it took, I just wanted the man God had planned for me. It is so much better this way.

We knew that we wanted a family but our timeline looked a bit different from what actually happened. We would not take Sophie Grace back. She is truly amazing. Daily Joe and I look at each other and ask, "Where did she come from?" Having kids drastically changes life. It is so hard but so completely wonderful. We are blown away that the Lord would entrust the life of this child to us and we seek to acknowledge that she belongs to Him alone. We pray that she will know and serve Him with her whole self. We named her believing that she will be a reflection of its meaning: Sophie = wisdom; Grace = unmerited favor; Beulah = married (Isaiah 62). 

And you all know Liam. Of course we did not expect to have a child who will not develop "typically" or necessarily live a "typical" life. We knew he would bless us and have taken the perspective that not only did God feel Liam needed us, but we needed Liam. And what a blessing he is! What an honor that the Lord would entrust this not so average child into our care. And just like his sister, he is an absolute delight. When I think of Liam the words of James run through my mind and heart, "Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is now variation or shifting shadow." (1.17)

I think I felt the call to ministry when I was twelve years old. This is when I remember hearing the story of Lottie Moon for the first time. I was completely in awe of the way this woman lived her life and gave it to share the gospel with those who did not know. During  my time in college the Lord confirmed this call and I experimented in different types of service and missions including spending a summer over seas in east Asia. My senior year I felt that He was calling me to step outside of my comfort zone to serve college students. College was a time of incredible spiritual growth in my life and I felt the desire to be a part of that in the lives of others. 

I honestly felt my call to ministry would be international but I love that God plans things so vastly different and completely perfect than what we expect. I never wanted to be in California, I was much more willing to go over seas, but I love it. I never thought that we would have to raise our support but it puts us in a place of complete dependency on God and His provision and He is so faithful.

I know I've written about all these things in the past but hey, it's been a while, and frankly, this is my life and so my heart and mind spend a lot of time dwelling on these things. 

Check out our ministry page and if you want to receive our monthly prayer letter, let us know!

The First Year

We made it! The first year. Sweet Liam turned 1 this past Saturday, 4/21. The first birthday is always so special, and let's be honest, for the parents much more than the kid. But this first birthday was so much more. We joyfully celebrated our little man with a monster party...

But this week is one packed with emotion and memories that leave me reeling from anxiety, stress, and everything you aren't supposed to feel when you bring your newborn baby home.

Joe and I knew that something may be going on with our new baby boy. We told only two other couples what was going on with our baby. We did not tell our families even though my mom was staying with us. We decided there was no reason to worry them when we didn't know for sure. The test we were waiting for was the genetic karyotype. 

Honestly, I was trying to get used to being home with 2 kids and accepting the son who had shown up instead of the daughter we thought was coming. I don't remember being worried during the week we waited. Everyone at the hospital was confident the results would be normal and were apologizing to us for doing the test in the first place. 

I wish things hadn't gone down the way they did. The first 6 hours of Liam's life were an absolute nightmare. But I cannot take it back. I feel confident that if it weren't for an overly dramatic nurse named John who succeeded in creating a chaotic post-partum situation, we would not have a diagnosis. Without a diagnosis we would not have early intervention and my Human Development degree and background working with kids would be driving me into a full blown panic screaming at our doctor that something is wrong.

Needless to say the birth of my son and the diagnosis following his birth one week later sent me on an emotional plummet into a dark hole. 

Saturday night after Liam's party my sweet friend Ellen called me. She brought up the negative emotions that surrounded Liam's birth. But she also brought up how good God is in restoring joy. 

Liam is an absolute delight. He is very small for his age, doesn't have any teeth yet, doesn't really vocalize too much, and as far as physical milestones go he is sitting independently. All of this makes him appear to be about 6 months old. But he is 1 and in other ways you can tell he's older. He holds his cup which has a straw like a big boy and drinks it. It looks ridiculously cute because the cup is bigger than his face. He waves all the time. If you look at him and smile he cocks his little head to the side, gives an adorable little grin and waves and waves and waves. I can't even stand it =)

So yes, I would agree with Ellen. God most certainly restored to us the joy that was absent at Liam's birth. 

The first year was so much more challenging and so much greater at the same time than I ever thought it could be. Liam has more than exceeded our expectations from what we thought when we first learned about 49XXXXY. And my personal journey over the last year has challenged me deeply. 

I told Joe that I think as far as Liam goes this first year was probably the easiest. I can get a little sad and anxious thinking about what awaits us. Liam will most likely wear orthotics to stabilize his joints as he begins to walk, there is a great potential for behavioral issues because of his delay in verbal communication, and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever hear that sweet boy say, "Mama," as apraxia/dyspraxia sits like a small, quiet, but steady threat in the back of my mind. 

But I cannot go there. I have to take it one day at a time. And today, I am so thankful to God for His faithfulness and goodness in the perfect gift that is Liam and the restored joy.

Just, why are You so good?

Last night we were delighted to be part of a birthday dinner for a very special friend and had the opportunity to celebrate with some of the other people in her life. It was our first time meeting a couple of them and we had such a great time. But I keep coming back to this one conversation that was had over dinner. A notorious murderer was brought into the conversation and the assertion was made that he had become a Christian before he died in prison. Quite understandably one of the party remarked that was her big issue with the Christian faith: 


How could someone like that be in heaven?


I agree. How could someone like that be in heaven? But that's not for me to decide. I am not the judge.


But I know the Judge.


The attributes or characteristics of God are so fascinating to me. The two juxtaposed pairs that have been the most thought provoking to me over the last year are: 


God is GREAT and God is good.


God is JUST and God is merciful.


Let's focus on the latter, How can God be both just and merciful? To work this out I think you must have an understanding of sin. Simply put, none of us are perfect and can't we all admit we've done things we shouldn't? By sin I mean all those wrong things we do. So wrong things for some people mean little white lies and for others mean murder. 


So now that we understand sin, we can talk about how that relates to God. God is without sin; He is HOLY. Because He is holy He cannot tolerate anything that is not holy. That means all of us. Sin makes us not holy. Whether we told a little lie that hurt a friend or killed that friend it is all sin and God, in his holiness, cannot make one better than the other. Both are unholy but He is holy. If we know all of this then we can say that God is just in His condemnation of any human because none of us is holy. We all have some sin.


But God is not only just, He is merciful. Enter Jesus. God loves us. We are His creation. It is His desire that we all be reconciled to Him. So He sent His Son. To die. So that we might live. All we have to do is acknowledge we need Him because we are sinful and believe Jesus really did die and come to life again. It is a free gift. It is grace. It is mercy.


How can something so simple be so hard? If you believe, it probably does seem simple. If you don't believe, you must think it's absolute insanity. 


I struggle with this just thing in a different way now. I love Jesus. He is my Savior and my Lord. I am thankful, but probably not thankful enough, for his gift of grace through the mercy He has shown sinful me. Where my struggle lies is in Liam. How is that fair? Just?


I have written and even said aloud to people that I have questioned God, why my son? But this week I started thinking about it and I realized that I haven't. Maybe I thought I should have or thought that's what everyone would think I was doing but I hadn't done it. So tonight I did. I asked Him,


 WHY?


I'm not sure what was supposed to happen. Everything was quiet. A few tears slipped down my cheeks and onto the pillow but I didn't break down or explode. Immediately the words I've been typing here for the last 20 minutes began to fill my mind and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I'd emptied myself.


I'm so scared of harboring anger and getting stuck in a place of distance from God because of Liam. Maybe I think I should and maybe at times I have. My life the last 9 months has been an emotional roller coaster and I find that I am quite a contradiction in myself from one day to the next. But I am quite sure of one thing,


God is good. He is so good!


I see His goodness in His provision for our family financially as we begin a new ministry and have moved into San Francisco.


I see His goodness in the husband He blessed me with because he is so kind and loving in his role as husband and father.


I see His goodness in my sweet little girl with a personality that bounces along with her curls.


And I see His goodness in my tiny little man who just started sitting up this week and brings so much joy to our little family. It just wouldn't be right any other way. 


Oh yes. God is good.

Superstar

I think that every mother struggles at times with feelings of inadequacy in the job she is doing as a mother. When you factor in a special needs child, that feeling increases significantly.


When you have a Liam in your life, it isn't so simple to let just anyone watch your baby. Nothing is the same with him as it is with an average baby. Feeding him isn't as simple as opening the jar of baby food while he opens up his mouth like a little bird and no matter how fast you move you cannot get the spoon into his mouth fast enough. Nope. Feeding Liam is saying, "aaahh" so he opens his mouth and "mmmm" so he closes his lips together and is actually able to swallow. Feeding takes forever and don't expect him to eat everything you have there. A good day is when he eats half.


*sigh*


And Liam having play time isn't just sitting him up on a blanket with a few toys. For one, he cannot sit up yet even though he'll be 9 months old in 3 days. And second, he has physical and occupational therapy and that means certain exercises and activities designed to help him gain strength and develop his motor skills.


No, when you have 3 therapies a week, a two year old to chase around and entertain, and a house to keep up, life isn't exactly "normal" or "average."


Wednesdays are oral-motor therapy days. And last week Liam had a great day =) Let me just make a disclaimer by saying that Liam really does fantastic at all of his therapies and we always see at least small improvements from week to week. But last week, was exceptional. Liam's therapist was so excited with how well he ate, did his chewy tube exercises, and drank a yogurt/milk mixture from his pink cut out cup, that she decided he needed a sticker. SUPERSTAR.


I was beaming. 


She told me that she always looked forward to our sessions because she could tell that we were good parents. She commented on how well I know him. I know how to  understand him, even his most subtle indicators. I couldn't help that my eyes welled up with tears as she affirmed my parenting of this little guy. And I was so proud of him that I just couldn't contain the joy. 


On the drive home I cried. We've been through so much over the last 9 months. I have worked so hard to be what Liam needs me to be but most days I feel like my grade for the day is a big FAIL. I just don't have time to work with him on everything that needs work every day. At the end of most days I am calculating in my mind what we worked on or didn't work on and fear that I have fallen way too short. The pressure is immense. How "able" Liam is going to ultimately be depends very much on these therapies and our "homework." It's not a joke and it must be taken seriously. Because if for some reason there is something that he is not so good at, I am sure the first person I will find to blame will be myself. I end each day thinking, "I could have done more. I need to do more."


But the words of Ms. K just lifted my heart. And I reflected on this tiny little boy who shocked us with his arrival and how he completely turned our lives upside down because of how God made him. I was humbled. Humbled by my determined, hard working little man. Liam works so hard and I am so proud of him! I know that most days I really could have worked more with him but he is making huge gains in spite of my inadequacies. He really is a superstar =)

A Quiet Acceptance

The sadness doesn't feel the same way that it used to feel. 


In the beginning it was so overwhelming and so painful that the thought of things not being the way they used to be or the way they were supposed to be was unbearable. It was like losing something or someone and not being able to stand what the future looked like. Crying those big, ugly sobs, unable to catch your breath, falling into an exhaustion and finding a determined strength to somehow un-do what was done. It was like my mind was breaking over my inability to see and know what this new reality would be.


Like drowning. At least how I imagine drowning to be.


Liam is 8 and a half months old today (Jan. 7). I think it is fair to say that it took about 6 months for me to embrace this new reality and come into this quiet acceptance.


The sadness doesn't hurt anymore. It is more like a quiet friend, or maybe companion, who I know is always there, but I can endure its presence. I can calmly accept these circumstances and not let them steal my joy or tear down my strength. 


I feel like I've emerged from an overshadowing fog that veiled the first 6 months of Liam's life. I do not know what happened or how it happened but somehow I have survived (I am sure Jesus carried me). Barely survived. Only survived by Him. 


I have stood at the edge and been tempted to fall into a darkness that would allow me to become lost in my grief and tortured by the mournful pain and shut out from the outside. I have wanted to tell the world to just leave me alone.


But I was not made for that. 


The Creator formed this baby boy. He has huge blue eyes - the same color as his daddy's, and they have long feathery lashes. He has plump, but droopy cheeks and they lift up when he smiles and his sweet little nose gets flat. When I walk in his room in the mornings and he hears me say his name he gets excited and coos a sweet baby "good morning" and smiles and lifts his little arms up towards me. He lights up when he sees his big sister and she greets him with a not so gentle kiss and perhaps a hug that could be called crushing =) He has fun playing with his daddy and sometimes gets a little sad when he leaves to go to work.


I want you to know him. I think you'd think he was a sweet, good, happy baby. He spends his days in the shadow of an amazing little girl who radiates life, joy, energy, and even a little sass. He adores her but she annoys him sometimes too. She just loves life and enters each new day bouncing and bubbling and ends it the same.


They are just perfect. Just what I need. They are a reminder of faith, hope, love, joy, blessing, provision, life, and the One who is the author of all those things. I was made for this.


So I bask in the delight of my children and quietly accept the sadness that comes, free of charge, with those extra chromosomes we did not order.


Once that fog started to lift, the sadness changed. At first I wanted so badly to pray for a miracle to change him. But now, if Liam being a "normal" boy meant he would be anything other than the baby I have today, I wouldn't want it. I want him just the way he is today. Just the way he was in the beginning. Just the way he's meant to be in the future. My son is not "disabled" or "different," he is Liam and he just so happens to have a few extra chromosomes, they were free =) He will not be defined by 49XXXXY, he will help define it. So whatever that means, whether he completely breaks the mold or falls right in the middle of it, we will push him to be all he can, encourage him to be himself, and deep in the heart of this momma, a quiet acceptance of the sadness will rest underneath the love and pride.

Whatever my lot, You have taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My Seminary Journey

I did it. I finished seminary. I didn't always know if I would make it because of the things that have happened over the last few years but I did. I was asked to "Share my Journey" at our graduation ceremony. It was an honor and I thought that posting the written manuscript would be a fitting blog post. So here is my journey:

My call to ministry was confirmed while I was in college and I knew that part of the path I would take would include time in seminary. I boldly told the Lord that I was excited to serve Him wherever He may choose to send me as long as it wasn’t the North Eastern United States or California. Clearly this was going to be a problem. I  left college and served as a missionary in Up-state New York and naturally followed that with seminary in California. But I am so grateful that God chose the path. If I hadn’t gone to New York I would not have met my husband and if I had not met my husband I would not have chosen Golden Gate for seminary. And the man that God gave me to call husband and our journey together have made our placement at Golden Gate essential; not only for our theological education, but for the community we needed for the faith journey that awaited us here.

I arrived at Golden Gate on a cold, wet afternoon in January. I was tired and overwhelmed from the cross-country trek, but relieved to be on the same coast as the man I would soon call my husband. I am leaving Golden Gate married and the mother of 2, which means I am still tired and overwhelmed. 

But I am also overwhelmed by the goodness and greatness of God and all that He has done in our lives in the 4 years we have been here. For my husband and I this journey has been one that is testing and growing our faith. 

A love for God’s Word is something that has always come easy for me along with a desire for more knowledge and wisdom. I loved my time in Old Testament and New Testament and really enjoyed getting into the Word deeper with our hermeneutic and exegesis assignments. I have an even greater appreciation for thorough preparation and study of the Word in context after taking Bible Teaching and standing in front of a class where I was the only woman and preached a sermon eight and half months pregnant. My year in theology challenged me and made me fall more in love with my Savior. I love the knowledge I have gained in this place on this journey.

But faith...Faith is something that has always been hard for me; I like to be in control. I never wanted to be in California, but God brought us here for a reason. Our daughter was born one month after our first anniversary and we were happy and excited for her but the timing was not ideal. I took a couple of semesters off as a student and worked full time so that my husband could finish his degree.  I did not know if I would finish my own degree since I was now a mother. But I knew I was supposed to be here for a seminary education as well; and I am thankful for a supportive man who encouraged me in the decision for us to remain at Golden Gate an extra year so I could complete my degree. A few weeks before classes started last fall we found out we were expecting our second child. Once again the timing wasn’t the best because the baby was due in April, mid-semester, and I was returning as a full-time student. We were really excited about this addition to our family and began planning for our second daughter.

That daughter never came. Instead we were shocked when a son arrived. Just as we were adjusting to the fact that we had a son we received a second, even greater shock. Liam was one week old when we learned that he has a very rare genetic syndrome. No parent ever anticipates anything other than a normal, healthy baby. Our journey was now taking our family down an unexpected path. It is a journey that we realized immediately we could not walk without faith. I have battled with so many questions over the last 7 months. How can God allow stuff like this to happen? Why did it have to be our son? And we have mourned for our son and the “normal” experiences that he will probably never get to have. 

This is not the only way God has been growing our faith on this journey. Being at Golden Gate revealed where God was calling our family to serve in ministry. Right here. Literally. We are so thankful to be members of First Baptist Church San Francisco and God has given us a love for this church that runs deep and extends into the city itself. We found ourselves this past spring embarking, once again down a path I never wanted, on a journey to raise our own financial support in order to stay in San Francisco   sharing the Gospel with and discipling college students. But this is the ministry we know God has called us to, in the place we know God wants us to be.

I can honestly say that without Golden Gate we would not be here. Being here is how God brought us to this place to serve. And without the support of the community of students, faculty, and staff, I am not sure how we would have made it after Liam’s birth. My professors were so gracious in helping me finish the spring semester after his birth and diagnosis. The community rallied around us pouring out their love to us in prayer, words of encouragement, bringing us meals, and helping us take care of our kids. Our best friends here are literally walking this path with us, their son also has a rare genetic syndrome. God calling us here could not be more clear to us as we have seen everything come together so beautifully. He is amazing us with His provision, both financially as we start our ministry and also with a community that could not have been a  more precious blessing. I would not have wanted to start this journey of faith any other place. 

The words of Paul in Philippians 3:7-14 have resonated in my mind and heart lately. Perhaps because I can relate to them in a way I never have before. I want to leave you with verses 12-14:

“Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” 

This is my Megan!

Hey guys,

This is Joe by the way.  I don't usually post to the blog but I needed to let you guys know how amazing my wife is.  I know you all think you know how amazing she is but you don't know the amazing Megan Fraser like I do!  She is truly the best wife, mother, friend, partner that anyone could ask for.  She is a woman of conviction and she makes me a better man, husband, father, minister.  She is a woman of strong faith in the One True Living God and I envy her relationship she has with God!  Megan is the smartest person I know!  I wish that I could be half as smart as her.  She would not tell anyone this but in her Old Testament class she is in this semester, she is at the top of the class!  Her professor brags on her for being smarter than all the men in the that are class trying to complicate the scripture.  I am like, "yeah, that's my wife!"  Before Megan and I started dating when we were living in New York, I would go to a Bible Study she was leading at Cornell University, and I was amazed at the amount of wisdom this girl was bringing to these Ivy League students about the Word of God!  Megan represents everything that a Proverbs 31 woman is and should be.  Megan is funny too!  She has the best sense of humor.  We can laugh at most anything.  I love laughing with her!  Megan cares for her friends.  Just tonight Megan went over to one of our friend's home just to check on her because God told her to.   Megan is so sacrificial!  When we were deciding what we were going to do after seminary, we could have chosen some easier paths rather than staying here and having to raise our own support.  She trusted that God told us that we were supposed stay here and reach students with the Gospel of Jesus Christ in San Francisco.  God has blown us away in this process and I am thankful for a wife that supports and trusts me to lead our family!  Megan is the best mom ever!  I love to watch disciple Sophie Grace even at 2 years old.  Megan has given this little girl a passion for the Word of God and we see her truly living up to what her name means (a woman of wisdom and grace).  And with Liam our special boy...she has loved him and done everything to get the resources that he needs to succeed in life.  He is doing great because his momma won't let anything stand in his way!  O, have I mentioned yet how beautiful Megan is.  Just take a look at her sometime, you will see it!  She takes my breath away!  I don't know how I ended up with her because I sure don't deserve her.  I will take her though and I am so excited that I have the privilege to spend my life with her!  Only if you all could be half as lucky as me to have someone like Megan to share your life with.  This is my Megan!

I love you so much Megan!

Joe

Intended for Life

One night this week Joe started telling me about a conversation he had with a co-worker. What she said to him infuriated me. He was telling one woman about Liam and another woman was listening. She asked Joe if I'd had an amniocentesis. Joe told her no because it would not change anything for us if we'd found out there was something wrong with the baby. The co-worker said to him, "Isn't that socially irresponsible?"

WHAT!?!?!?!

If I'd been there I'm pretty sure I would have said a lot of not nice things and someone may have had to hold me back because the urge to slap her across the face would have been hard to resist. Who does she think she is implying that for Liam to have life is in some way harmful to society? That is my son she's talking about. My son.

What gives any of us the right to determine who should or should not have life? Most fertilized eggs are not viable pregnancies. And of those, it is believed that most of them have a genetic disorder. Of those genetic disorders, it is thought the majority could be sex chromosome disorders. The odds that I carried Liam through a healthy, full-term pregnancy are pretty low. He is miraculous. So I think that in order for him to have survived the natural way God created to ensure most children are born healthy, must mean he is here for a reason. He is no accident. My body didn't screw up by allowing him the chance to enter the world. No, the Creator intended him for Life. His hand is in all creation, I believe no child is created without Him.

"For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen."

Romans 11:36

This semester I am only taking one class. Old Testament. And the last two weeks we have been talking about CREATION. I was shocked this past week to find that our discussion made me emotional. I cannot help but wonder how Liam fits into the order.

I don't know why God allows little blips in our genetics. I have always assumed that it is a result of the Fall. But is it? Are genetic disorders the same as pain, sickness, and disease? I don't know the answer to these questions but I do know that God made Liam and that his existence is not an accident and therefore he is an indispensable part of the body of Christ.

The last 6 months have been unlike any other time in my life. They feel like a blur that I can barely remember but at the same time they have impacted me deeply and permanently.

Liam. I am so proud of everything he has accomplished. He is a hard worker and very determined. My little man is a tiny guy. He weighs in at a whopping 12 pounds (Sophie Grace weighed 12 pounds at 2 months). He has great head control but still gets tired and loses it after a while. He cannot push himself up with his arms when he is on his tummy. But he can lift that head up to 90 degrees. He is no where close to sitting up. But he has worked so hard to do what he is capable of. He finally coos and babbles. He is eating rice cereal but just a tiny amount and the adjustment to food is going to be a slow process. He will gain all of these abilities eventually. But sometimes it is hard to accept that Liam is unique. There's just no comparison to other babies and it is much better to not compare him.

I am so thankful that we found out about Liam when he was only 1 week old. If we hadn't I would be freaking out right now that something is wrong with my son and we probably wouldn't have had a genetic test yet. There is an untold component to Liam's story. This untold was by far the worst part of what we have experienced with him and it is the reason we know. We aren't quite ready to tell the untold story. One day I know I have to because it will help me, but not yet.

For now, we have peace. Peace and joy in the son God blessed us with. Peace in knowing he is just who God made him to be. And peace in knowing that Liam is Intended for Life. So don't ever try to make me think that his life and our choice to give him the chance to have life is socially irresponsible.