Hope

I've been sitting on a blog post for a while now. This one in particular is actually a testimony that I wrote out a few months ago. We were asked to share our testimony about Liam and it was then videoed and shared one Sunday as part of the sermon series we just finished. You can view that video here and then clicking on our names on the list.

On this night 3 years ago we were at the hospital awaiting the arrival of "Ruthie." It seems strange and surreal looking back on it now. Our journey is still young but the theme is most definitely HOPE...

April 21, 2011 should have been a day full of joy and excitement as we welcomed our second child into the family. However, that day could easily go down as one of the hardest days of our lives. When Liam entered the world things were immediately “weird” as he was not the daughter we were expecting. As soon as the nurses began their examination of him we recognized immediately that there was some whispering going on that led us to believe something was not okay. We spent the first 24 hours of his life meeting various specialists, having tests (bloodwork, ultrasound), and just trying to trust God for peace and knowing that things would be fine. One week later we received a phone call that absolutely devasted us, our son, wouldn’t be a “typical” little boy. He probably wouldn’t play on a sports team or take a girl to prom. He probably wouldn’t go to college or get married one day. We immediately began to grieve for that little boy we’d lost and I (Megan) remember questioning God. I didn’t question why He would give us a special needs child, I questioned why He would do that our son. Why would He allow our son to face these unknown challenges and be robbed of a “normal” life? How is that just?

Those first six months of Liam’s life are referred to as “The Black Hole” in our little family. They were hard and sad and I’m not so sure we remember much. But they couldn’t have been totally black because we do remember clinging to hope and truth. We could not have survived without believing and knowing that the Creator, who gives life, ordains life, made this little boy and made him with a purpose. 

We had no control over the line-up and organization of Liam’s chromosomes. And maybe we shouldn’t have been surprised that expectations are something that do not control outcomes. We all learn that in our walks with the Lord, no matter our circumstances but I think we forget. So we have been blown away at God’s goodness in the life of our little boy and our family. Liam has exceeded expectations. He is nothing that we thought he would be in those early days. Of course we still have a lifetime to go in this journey, but what we know, the hope we have in Christ, is that this is not in fact, a “black hole.”

During those 6 months of “The Black Hole” I can remember having conversations with Joe and among friends that I needed a redeeming experience. I wanted a do over. A friend brought up to me recently that she remembers me telling her I just had this need to end on a good note. I think that this was a feeling I experienced more so than Joe. Just as a mother I wanted, needed, to have one more baby where things would be “normal.” Liam’s birth not only robbed us of the joy parents experience in welcoming a new child but for me it also robbed me of the any of the joy I’d felt in the pregnancy and the first six months of his life and I wanted a do over. 

It really isn’t easy to say stuff like that. I guess it could sound, well, not great and it certainly is not a good reason to have another child. At this point Liam is just what our family needed (which of course the Lord knew) and we wouldn’t trade who he is for what he could have been. No way. But God really does love us and He really does hear us and sometimes He really does give us the desire of our hearts.

Both of us are overwhelmed at His goodness and love and overflowing with joy in the anticipation of the new addition to our family coming in July. This baby represents hope and redemption. I admit that the thought of another biological child has at times been terrifying. What if it doesn’t go well? What if something is different about this baby too? Will we spend an entire pregnancy in fear and anxiety until we see that little one and can verify that things are “normal?” 

But these are things beyond our control. And who are we to dictate to God how things should be? He is the giver of life, He knows who this little one is and will be. Maybe He’s given us a sense of knowing that everything is just fine with this baby or maybe it’s from all He’s taught us through our experience with Liam but we have peace. Peace that whatever happens this time it will be okay. We have hope because we have Him. 

On our wedding program we left our guests with a prayer and when I think about this theme of hope in our lives it seems to me that the Lord was speaking to us about our life together in the Word we wanted to share with those celebrating our marriage:

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” ~ Romans 15.13