Superstar

I think that every mother struggles at times with feelings of inadequacy in the job she is doing as a mother. When you factor in a special needs child, that feeling increases significantly.


When you have a Liam in your life, it isn't so simple to let just anyone watch your baby. Nothing is the same with him as it is with an average baby. Feeding him isn't as simple as opening the jar of baby food while he opens up his mouth like a little bird and no matter how fast you move you cannot get the spoon into his mouth fast enough. Nope. Feeding Liam is saying, "aaahh" so he opens his mouth and "mmmm" so he closes his lips together and is actually able to swallow. Feeding takes forever and don't expect him to eat everything you have there. A good day is when he eats half.


*sigh*


And Liam having play time isn't just sitting him up on a blanket with a few toys. For one, he cannot sit up yet even though he'll be 9 months old in 3 days. And second, he has physical and occupational therapy and that means certain exercises and activities designed to help him gain strength and develop his motor skills.


No, when you have 3 therapies a week, a two year old to chase around and entertain, and a house to keep up, life isn't exactly "normal" or "average."


Wednesdays are oral-motor therapy days. And last week Liam had a great day =) Let me just make a disclaimer by saying that Liam really does fantastic at all of his therapies and we always see at least small improvements from week to week. But last week, was exceptional. Liam's therapist was so excited with how well he ate, did his chewy tube exercises, and drank a yogurt/milk mixture from his pink cut out cup, that she decided he needed a sticker. SUPERSTAR.


I was beaming. 


She told me that she always looked forward to our sessions because she could tell that we were good parents. She commented on how well I know him. I know how to  understand him, even his most subtle indicators. I couldn't help that my eyes welled up with tears as she affirmed my parenting of this little guy. And I was so proud of him that I just couldn't contain the joy. 


On the drive home I cried. We've been through so much over the last 9 months. I have worked so hard to be what Liam needs me to be but most days I feel like my grade for the day is a big FAIL. I just don't have time to work with him on everything that needs work every day. At the end of most days I am calculating in my mind what we worked on or didn't work on and fear that I have fallen way too short. The pressure is immense. How "able" Liam is going to ultimately be depends very much on these therapies and our "homework." It's not a joke and it must be taken seriously. Because if for some reason there is something that he is not so good at, I am sure the first person I will find to blame will be myself. I end each day thinking, "I could have done more. I need to do more."


But the words of Ms. K just lifted my heart. And I reflected on this tiny little boy who shocked us with his arrival and how he completely turned our lives upside down because of how God made him. I was humbled. Humbled by my determined, hard working little man. Liam works so hard and I am so proud of him! I know that most days I really could have worked more with him but he is making huge gains in spite of my inadequacies. He really is a superstar =)