My Seminary Journey

I did it. I finished seminary. I didn't always know if I would make it because of the things that have happened over the last few years but I did. I was asked to "Share my Journey" at our graduation ceremony. It was an honor and I thought that posting the written manuscript would be a fitting blog post. So here is my journey:

My call to ministry was confirmed while I was in college and I knew that part of the path I would take would include time in seminary. I boldly told the Lord that I was excited to serve Him wherever He may choose to send me as long as it wasn’t the North Eastern United States or California. Clearly this was going to be a problem. I  left college and served as a missionary in Up-state New York and naturally followed that with seminary in California. But I am so grateful that God chose the path. If I hadn’t gone to New York I would not have met my husband and if I had not met my husband I would not have chosen Golden Gate for seminary. And the man that God gave me to call husband and our journey together have made our placement at Golden Gate essential; not only for our theological education, but for the community we needed for the faith journey that awaited us here.

I arrived at Golden Gate on a cold, wet afternoon in January. I was tired and overwhelmed from the cross-country trek, but relieved to be on the same coast as the man I would soon call my husband. I am leaving Golden Gate married and the mother of 2, which means I am still tired and overwhelmed. 

But I am also overwhelmed by the goodness and greatness of God and all that He has done in our lives in the 4 years we have been here. For my husband and I this journey has been one that is testing and growing our faith. 

A love for God’s Word is something that has always come easy for me along with a desire for more knowledge and wisdom. I loved my time in Old Testament and New Testament and really enjoyed getting into the Word deeper with our hermeneutic and exegesis assignments. I have an even greater appreciation for thorough preparation and study of the Word in context after taking Bible Teaching and standing in front of a class where I was the only woman and preached a sermon eight and half months pregnant. My year in theology challenged me and made me fall more in love with my Savior. I love the knowledge I have gained in this place on this journey.

But faith...Faith is something that has always been hard for me; I like to be in control. I never wanted to be in California, but God brought us here for a reason. Our daughter was born one month after our first anniversary and we were happy and excited for her but the timing was not ideal. I took a couple of semesters off as a student and worked full time so that my husband could finish his degree.  I did not know if I would finish my own degree since I was now a mother. But I knew I was supposed to be here for a seminary education as well; and I am thankful for a supportive man who encouraged me in the decision for us to remain at Golden Gate an extra year so I could complete my degree. A few weeks before classes started last fall we found out we were expecting our second child. Once again the timing wasn’t the best because the baby was due in April, mid-semester, and I was returning as a full-time student. We were really excited about this addition to our family and began planning for our second daughter.

That daughter never came. Instead we were shocked when a son arrived. Just as we were adjusting to the fact that we had a son we received a second, even greater shock. Liam was one week old when we learned that he has a very rare genetic syndrome. No parent ever anticipates anything other than a normal, healthy baby. Our journey was now taking our family down an unexpected path. It is a journey that we realized immediately we could not walk without faith. I have battled with so many questions over the last 7 months. How can God allow stuff like this to happen? Why did it have to be our son? And we have mourned for our son and the “normal” experiences that he will probably never get to have. 

This is not the only way God has been growing our faith on this journey. Being at Golden Gate revealed where God was calling our family to serve in ministry. Right here. Literally. We are so thankful to be members of First Baptist Church San Francisco and God has given us a love for this church that runs deep and extends into the city itself. We found ourselves this past spring embarking, once again down a path I never wanted, on a journey to raise our own financial support in order to stay in San Francisco   sharing the Gospel with and discipling college students. But this is the ministry we know God has called us to, in the place we know God wants us to be.

I can honestly say that without Golden Gate we would not be here. Being here is how God brought us to this place to serve. And without the support of the community of students, faculty, and staff, I am not sure how we would have made it after Liam’s birth. My professors were so gracious in helping me finish the spring semester after his birth and diagnosis. The community rallied around us pouring out their love to us in prayer, words of encouragement, bringing us meals, and helping us take care of our kids. Our best friends here are literally walking this path with us, their son also has a rare genetic syndrome. God calling us here could not be more clear to us as we have seen everything come together so beautifully. He is amazing us with His provision, both financially as we start our ministry and also with a community that could not have been a  more precious blessing. I would not have wanted to start this journey of faith any other place. 

The words of Paul in Philippians 3:7-14 have resonated in my mind and heart lately. Perhaps because I can relate to them in a way I never have before. I want to leave you with verses 12-14:

“Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” 

This is my Megan!

Hey guys,

This is Joe by the way.  I don't usually post to the blog but I needed to let you guys know how amazing my wife is.  I know you all think you know how amazing she is but you don't know the amazing Megan Fraser like I do!  She is truly the best wife, mother, friend, partner that anyone could ask for.  She is a woman of conviction and she makes me a better man, husband, father, minister.  She is a woman of strong faith in the One True Living God and I envy her relationship she has with God!  Megan is the smartest person I know!  I wish that I could be half as smart as her.  She would not tell anyone this but in her Old Testament class she is in this semester, she is at the top of the class!  Her professor brags on her for being smarter than all the men in the that are class trying to complicate the scripture.  I am like, "yeah, that's my wife!"  Before Megan and I started dating when we were living in New York, I would go to a Bible Study she was leading at Cornell University, and I was amazed at the amount of wisdom this girl was bringing to these Ivy League students about the Word of God!  Megan represents everything that a Proverbs 31 woman is and should be.  Megan is funny too!  She has the best sense of humor.  We can laugh at most anything.  I love laughing with her!  Megan cares for her friends.  Just tonight Megan went over to one of our friend's home just to check on her because God told her to.   Megan is so sacrificial!  When we were deciding what we were going to do after seminary, we could have chosen some easier paths rather than staying here and having to raise our own support.  She trusted that God told us that we were supposed stay here and reach students with the Gospel of Jesus Christ in San Francisco.  God has blown us away in this process and I am thankful for a wife that supports and trusts me to lead our family!  Megan is the best mom ever!  I love to watch disciple Sophie Grace even at 2 years old.  Megan has given this little girl a passion for the Word of God and we see her truly living up to what her name means (a woman of wisdom and grace).  And with Liam our special boy...she has loved him and done everything to get the resources that he needs to succeed in life.  He is doing great because his momma won't let anything stand in his way!  O, have I mentioned yet how beautiful Megan is.  Just take a look at her sometime, you will see it!  She takes my breath away!  I don't know how I ended up with her because I sure don't deserve her.  I will take her though and I am so excited that I have the privilege to spend my life with her!  Only if you all could be half as lucky as me to have someone like Megan to share your life with.  This is my Megan!

I love you so much Megan!

Joe

Intended for Life

One night this week Joe started telling me about a conversation he had with a co-worker. What she said to him infuriated me. He was telling one woman about Liam and another woman was listening. She asked Joe if I'd had an amniocentesis. Joe told her no because it would not change anything for us if we'd found out there was something wrong with the baby. The co-worker said to him, "Isn't that socially irresponsible?"

WHAT!?!?!?!

If I'd been there I'm pretty sure I would have said a lot of not nice things and someone may have had to hold me back because the urge to slap her across the face would have been hard to resist. Who does she think she is implying that for Liam to have life is in some way harmful to society? That is my son she's talking about. My son.

What gives any of us the right to determine who should or should not have life? Most fertilized eggs are not viable pregnancies. And of those, it is believed that most of them have a genetic disorder. Of those genetic disorders, it is thought the majority could be sex chromosome disorders. The odds that I carried Liam through a healthy, full-term pregnancy are pretty low. He is miraculous. So I think that in order for him to have survived the natural way God created to ensure most children are born healthy, must mean he is here for a reason. He is no accident. My body didn't screw up by allowing him the chance to enter the world. No, the Creator intended him for Life. His hand is in all creation, I believe no child is created without Him.

"For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen."

Romans 11:36

This semester I am only taking one class. Old Testament. And the last two weeks we have been talking about CREATION. I was shocked this past week to find that our discussion made me emotional. I cannot help but wonder how Liam fits into the order.

I don't know why God allows little blips in our genetics. I have always assumed that it is a result of the Fall. But is it? Are genetic disorders the same as pain, sickness, and disease? I don't know the answer to these questions but I do know that God made Liam and that his existence is not an accident and therefore he is an indispensable part of the body of Christ.

The last 6 months have been unlike any other time in my life. They feel like a blur that I can barely remember but at the same time they have impacted me deeply and permanently.

Liam. I am so proud of everything he has accomplished. He is a hard worker and very determined. My little man is a tiny guy. He weighs in at a whopping 12 pounds (Sophie Grace weighed 12 pounds at 2 months). He has great head control but still gets tired and loses it after a while. He cannot push himself up with his arms when he is on his tummy. But he can lift that head up to 90 degrees. He is no where close to sitting up. But he has worked so hard to do what he is capable of. He finally coos and babbles. He is eating rice cereal but just a tiny amount and the adjustment to food is going to be a slow process. He will gain all of these abilities eventually. But sometimes it is hard to accept that Liam is unique. There's just no comparison to other babies and it is much better to not compare him.

I am so thankful that we found out about Liam when he was only 1 week old. If we hadn't I would be freaking out right now that something is wrong with my son and we probably wouldn't have had a genetic test yet. There is an untold component to Liam's story. This untold was by far the worst part of what we have experienced with him and it is the reason we know. We aren't quite ready to tell the untold story. One day I know I have to because it will help me, but not yet.

For now, we have peace. Peace and joy in the son God blessed us with. Peace in knowing he is just who God made him to be. And peace in knowing that Liam is Intended for Life. So don't ever try to make me think that his life and our choice to give him the chance to have life is socially irresponsible.

October Prayer/Newsletter

FRASERS BY THE BAY

October 2 @ North Metro Baptist Church in Atlanta at our North American Mission Board Commissioning Service. This is the group of collegiate evangelism missionaries who were commissioned.

Commissioned to Serve

Prayer Requests - housing as we look to move off

seminary housing and into San

Francisco - pray a big, bold prayer with us

that by the end of Oct. we will be at 60% of our financial need.

- a follow-up visit to the cardiologist with Liam

- partners to join us on the field in our ministry at SFSU

Connect with us! Want to become a financial partner? Contact us by email: joeandmeganfraser@yahoo.com

Our address: 7 Judson Ln. Apt.A Mill Valley, CA 94941

Megan’s blog: myquestforjoy.blogspot.com

“Frasers in SF” on facebook

Sunday, October 2 was an important and exciting day for us. We were commissioned with 67 other North American Mission Board missionaries at North Metro Baptist Church in Lawrenceville, GA. We were a part of a group of 14 other collegiate missionaries. We spent a total of 10 days in Georgia developing prayer and financial partners for our ministry and preparing for our ministry at our commissioning training and service. Praise the Lord, we are at 37% of our financial need! We are so thankful to all of you for getting us this far and ask for your prayers as we continue on to reach 100%. We were cautioned while at our training sessions in Atlanta to raise 100% of our funds before

stepping on campus to begin our ministry. With this in mind we are going to be putting even more into our efforts to develop our financial partnership. Joe will continue prayer walking the campus as we do this. Once we start our ministry on campus we want to do so without any extra worries or stressors. We are so grateful for your support and prayers! We spent 3 days in training sessions in Atlanta leading up to our commissioning service. This was a great time of encouragement, learning, and being challenged as we go out to make disciples. We both left with a passion to share Christ with students who do not know Him. We are so excited to see God draw souls to Himself into

His kingdom! We also realize that we cannot do this alone and really need partners to serve with us on campus. Please pray that God would raise up a couple to join us in this ministry.

This also made us think about the last few months we have on this side of the Golden Gate Bridge. We really want to take this time to end the relationships that have been built over the last 4 years with Joeʼs co-workers who do not know Christ. Please pray for us to have boldness in sharing the Good News with the employees of Arch Rival Shoe Store.

We are so excited about the work we know God is going do and cannot wait to share with you next month!

Harvest

"The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.

Therefore beseech the Lord of the harvest

to send out workers into His harvest."

Matthew 9:37-38

As I sat meditating on this verse this morning, I felt this blog post brewing. I had to share this because it has challenged me and I want to send out the challenge to those willing to hear it.

Has God called only a few to work his harvest? Are the workers limited to those serving on the mission field or church staff?

I don't think so.

I believe that God has called every Christian to work the harvest. In Matthew 28:19-20 Jesus gives the command to go and make disciples. That command is not conditional or limited to only a few, it is an all inclusive COMMAND.

As Christians, you and I are called to work the harvest. That means sharing Christ daily with the people we encounter. So many of us are scared of evangelism (I will be honest and confess that I am definitely here). But it really is not an option to keep the gospel to yourself.

Jesus talked a lot about bearing fruit. He also talked about what happens if we don't bear fruit. I think that many of us are more than willing to pray for the workers of the harvest on behalf of all the missionaries we know serving around the globe. And I feel challenged to pray that prayer.

But be warned...

I believe that if we are genuinely praying for the Lord of the harvest to call more workers, we will absolutely find ourselves unable to escape the work. We are not all called to remote villages in other countries or to urban poor ministry in a U.S. city, but you have absolutely been called to serve right where you are.

So pray for the harvest and be prepared to work.

Blow

I have been sitting on this blog for almost a week now and this is the first opportunity I've had to give to writing it. Life with 2 kids, grad school, a working husband, support raising, and weekly appointments for Liam makes life crazy busy but it is actually starting to feel normal. Last week Liam had a follow-up visit with the pediatric endocrinologist. She had not seen him since he was one week old. A few hours after we left that visit we received the phone call that started this journey. We left her office that day with hope and gratitude because she had assured us that he looked perfectly normal and she expected a normal genetic karyotype. We have never resented her saying that. How could she have known? Liam is the only patient she has ever seen with this syndrome. She's so great (as all of the therapists and specialists we've seen) and we are so grateful for the care and concern. But last Thursday I left her office feeling like I'd received a blow.

Liam is doing so well. His physical therapist, oral motor therapist, and pediatrician have all observed his low muscle tone is not that bad and is most obvious and manifested in his arms. He has head control now and can roll from back to tummy on his right side. We are working on the roll from the left and teaching him to use his arms for support and helping him gain the strength he needs to do that. We are so PROUD.

BUT...(it seems there is always a but)

When I see my 5 month old next to other babies the difference is painfully obvious. Liam is the size of a 2 month old. This is perfectly fine because it is normal for his syndrome and he is following the growth curve perfectly, he just isn't on it =) Babies younger than him are able to use their arms to lift off the ground when having tummy time. Babies his age should be starting to work on sitting up. Even though Liam will get there eventually it is such a blow to see the evidence that he is behind.

We live in this world of what is normal for Liam and 49ers boys and it seems that he is doing exceptionally well when compared on that level. It makes me excited to see how excited his doctors and therapists are at his progress. But then little things remind you that while he is exceeding on this spectrum, this is not the "normal" spectrum.

The endocrinologist chatted with us about Liam's growth and his hormones and what was happening and what will happen in the future. It is all looking good. But with one small comment the blow came. She's talking to us and I hear the phrase, "cognitive developmental delay". This is not new. This is something we have always known about this syndrome. But right now Liam's delay is seen only physically.

I don't forget about what is to come but I don't always think about it. If I thought about it I would cry every day and feel completely overwhelmed. I feel like the last month I have finally been able to enjoy my baby. His personality is starting to develop and he is so SWEET.

He is social and mild mannered (unless we wait to long to feed him or put him down for a nap and who can blame him) and really, the word that best describes him is sweet. It just oozes out of him. I wish all of you knew him and could see his sweet smile in person. OMG! I cannot stand the cuteness. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this little boy. And seriously, tell me when you've seen a cuter one.

And that sweet face and all that he has accomplished so far can mask the pain but the blow brings it back with surprising force. I think there will always be blows.

About a month ago we had a "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" Sunday at church. Our church wants to do more for people in our body and in our city who are affected by disability. I think what I heard that day that meant the most to me is that Liam is an indispensable part of the body of Christ. Liam is not "disabled." He has abilities just like any other person and God created him to use those abilities for Him. I cannot wait to see what they are. I am so grateful for our loving Creator. I am so in awe of His plan and purpose for His own. I am so excited to see what He has in store for Liam. And because of Him I know I can take the blow.

Home

When I was a little girl, I confidently told my mom that when I grew up I was going to build a house in the back yard and live there. The 2 times I went to sleep away camp as a camper, I cried every night begging to go home. But by the time I reached high school, I could not wait to move away. In less than ten years I went from the one most likely to live close to home to the one most likely to leave without looking back.

Even as a child I never quite felt like I belonged. I didn't really see how I fit in this place. Home never really felt the way I thought home should feel. I always felt different from my family and friends. I never felt like I was more or less, just different and uncertain of how I fit into the world in which I was born.

I knew at a fairly young age that God was calling me to His service. That was one thing I did feel sure of. I also knew that one of my heart's greatest desires was to be married and have children. I think I was probably about 12 when I began to understand these things and I can remember how simple it felt in my child-mind.

There are places that have felt more like home to me than Chatham, VA. Let me take a little detour here and get what some would call my "crazy" out. To me, the most beautiful place in the world lies nestled in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Blacksburg, Virginia. Always a piece of me will belong to that place and maybe to the time I lived there. At that point in my life, my 4 years at Virginia Tech were by far the happiest and best. I LOVE that place. I think maybe my fellow Hokies can understand what I mean. But for me I think the love goes a little deeper than Lane Stadium roaring while "Enter Sandman" pounds the air or the fact that Hokies do indeed bleed orange and maroon and call ourselves a nation. It was while at Virginia Tech that I met people who cared about what God may be calling me to. People invested in me and discipled me. I experienced incredible spiritual growth through the leadership of the staff at the BSU/BCM and alongside the people God allowed me to call friends. I will always think of Blacksburg as home and it felt more like home than any place ever has.

I said "places" plural. There is another. A city that sits rolling up and down hills by the Bay, shining white in the distance when you look across the water, San Francisco. I love this place too but I also hate it I think. Love and hate are 2 sides of the same coin I hear. Let me explain. I am so excited that I get to live here and I so love the people, the culture, the place. But here I am so far away from my family and my friends. I have amazing friends here that I never want to leave and they are amazingly supportive. I love them dearly. But I miss my old friends too. And I miss my family more than I ever have before.

This life God gave me just gets harder and harder (I do not think I am the only person who feels the way, probably we all do, but I just need to tell you). Raising our own support, starting a ministry(which scares me so much), having 2 small children and one of them special needs; these are not things I never anticipated when I new God was calling me to serve him and I knew I wanted a husband and kids. NEVER. I have reached a place where I almost cannot handle how hard it is.

We are so poor, but it isn't the money that's so hard really. God always provides and has blessed us in incredible ways. It is stressful but it does not make me unhappy. I can be happy with just a little.

Starting the ministry is terrifying. I am so scared we will fail. When I lived in Ithaca, NY I was thrown into a situation that was completely inappropriate for someone who had just graduated college and had NO ministry experience. I have not talked about this experience very much and I will not dwell on it here for long but it is most certainly impacting what is happening in me today. I was expected to START a ministry ALONE. My supervision was distant and completely lacked knowledge about campus ministry. It was a total disaster and it took me many, many months to find myself again after I left that place. In fact, I am not sure that the Megan I used to be ever came back completely and it still makes me sad to think about that. So when I think about starting this ministry here, I think I have legitimate reason to be scared. But I know this is different. This situation is completely different.

And perhaps what is shocking me the most and making me sad in a way I have rarely experienced, is that I miss home. I wish I was closer to my family so they could see us more. I wish my kids were able to go over to their grandparents' house the way I did when I was a kid. I wish I had those willing and excited babysitters to watch the kids so I could do things I need to do or just a have a much needed break. I wouldn't worry about being a burden or owing someone something. I know that I have people who would be angry if I did not let them watch my kids on a regular basis. It is hard to be so far away even when you know it is right and even though you love it, which makes me hate it.

Perhaps I would feel this way with the difficulty of 2 kids regardless of Liam's situation. But I believe that Liam's situation makes things much harder. He is not a hard baby. He is sweet and happy and I am so proud of him! He is exceeding what my expectations were of him at this stage and I am falling more and more in love with him every day. Sophie Grace is a sassy 2 year old but I love her so much I cannot even stand it. Even when she tells me to "chill out." But I am finding that as sweet and supportive as all of our friends here are, and I could not stay here if it wasn't for them, that it's just not the same as family.

And as much as I do love the weather here it would be nice to have 4 seasons and not just, rain(winter) or am fog/sun/pm fog(summer).

So why this roller coaster of emotion and this confusion of home? I believe that the reason I have struggled to feel at home is because Earth is most certainly not my home. I think in my heart, mind, and soul, I long for my eternal home and for some reason, God has always allowed me to feel that way. It keeps me wanting Him and looking forward to life perfectly reconciled and restored to Him. And those places on Earth that have felt most like home are the places where I have been closest to Him, whether by His call for my growth or service to Him.

I would LOVE to live in Blacksburg again one day. Not sure if that will ever happen. But my greatest heart's desire is to be serving God with the man He gave me to call husband and the children He made in His image. I want to be obedient to that call no matter how difficult. Jesus never said that serving Him would be easy, in fact He told his followers to expect difficulties. I wonder if they felt at home in the hard times? So I am thankful that even in the hard times, serving Him where He wants me to be does feel like home.

Losing It

It's been way too long since I wrote and so this is going to be several posts within a post.

Determined.

Most days I don't really think about Liam being different. Maybe I am used to it and am able to associate it with him without thinking about it, or maybe it truly has left my mind. I find my days passing by quickly, and at the same time slowly, as I continue in my stay-at-home mom routine with 2 kids. The stress and joys of having a 2 year old and a baby are wearing me out but giving me so much pleasure.

But on the days that I do think about Liam being different, I am one of two things, emotional (which I have written a lot about) or determined.

I am determined to do whatever Liam needs to succeed. So we go to doctors appointments and we have several therapists teaching us exercises and ways to work with Liam in order to help him develop the way he needs to. It is overwhelming. I become consumed with this fear of not doing enough for him and being the reason why he could have been higher functioning. I just want to do the best for him so that he can be the best. I do not want to be the reason he is limited.

I am determined not to be sad or angry but to accept that this is how God made my son.

I am determined to not want to change Liam but to embrace him just the way he is without thinking about what might have been.

I am determined to be here for my family even though I am overwhelmed and exhausted.

I am determined to overcome. Overcome all the emotions the journey is taking me on. Overcome all the fears. Overcome failure. Overcome my impatience. Overcome my tiredness.

I think this determination is good but I think I have got it all wrong. The problem is that I am determined to make all this stuff happen all by myself. And I have to be honest and say that I am failing.

I am failing to not be sad or angry. The truth is, in this particular moment I am full of anger.

Injustice.

I am crying out to You. My heart is screaming to be heard.

I am lost in the torment of the injustice of it all.

IT ISN'T FAIR!

Why my son?

I just want everything to settle. I want this anger to settle into trust and faith in the Creator. I want my life to be settled and stable but I am beginning to think that will never happen. How can things feel stable and settled when we are having to raise our salary to do ministry here? This will be ongoing for the duration of our ministry here or until the ministry is possibly able to be self-sustaining.....years and years down the road. And I am not sure I will ever be able to feel settled while getting Liam to weekly therapies and his specialist check-ups. These are reminders that keep us from forgetting that our son is not normal.

Nothing about it feels fair. Nothing about it feels normal or right. It's like having an intense heart ache that comes from some kind of loss and feeling suffocated by the force. You just want things to go back to the way they used to be or to be the way you think they should be now. It's the way you feel when you actually cannot stand it.

Why did the Lord put me on this path?

A friend put this song on a cd she made me and the lyrics have always spoken to me and my walk with the Lord. Not sure if Jesus was really the artist's intent but that's how they speak to me.

Jessica Sonner, Rescue Me

If I wade into these waters, And they get too deep

Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If I get up on this mountain, And it gets too steep
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If this road gets long, And my load heavy
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If this wind starts blowin', And it gets stormy
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?

You never said that
It would be easy
But I never thought
It'd get this hard
You may stumble
And I just might fall
But we can fight this battle

If I wade into these waters, And they get too deep
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If I get up on this mountain, And it gets too steep
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If this road gets long, And my load heavy
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If this wind starts blowin', And it gets stormy
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?

Sometimes I just need
A friend to hold my hand
Someone who's gonna
Be there for me til the end
Whatever you do
I'm gonna be there for you
But honey, I just gotta know

If I give away my love, And it runs out on me
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If my heart gets broken, And I just can't breathe
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If I turn back cause, I'm too weary oh,
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If my soul gets lost, But I start searching,
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?

And this is exactly how I feel these days. I need Jesus to rescue me.

Wisdom & Grace.

On July 31, 2009 she entered the world. Before we even knew she was on the way we felt that the Lord told us we would have a daughter who would do great things for him and that we were supposed to name her Grace.

As soon as we knew she was coming we knew that this would be her. We decided to do a double first name and chose Sophie for its meaning - wisdom.

We believe that she will live up to her name. We pray for her to be a woman of wisdom and grace.

She is a joy and a delight. An amazing little girl. She is perceptive and intelligent and her spirit is sweet. She has seen my tears countless times and her sweet little voice asks, "Are you sad, Mommy?" I love her.

Every night we pray with her before bed. We ask God to be with her and to draw her to him. We pray that one day she will know Jesus as her Lord and Savior.

One night this week she said to her Daddy in her sweet little voice, "One day Jesus will be my Lord and Savior."

She loves her baby brother and he loves her. She calls him, "Liam buddy." If she has his attention no one can make him look away. It is absolutely adorable. To him she much be larger than life.

And even though we are so tired and overwhelmed, we are so blessed to have such sweet kids. I think they share that. Sweet spirits, sweet souls.

Control.

I've lost it. But that is not a bad thing. My life is full of circumstances that are beyond my control. And it's ok.

I have always been a control freak but because things feel so crazy and unsettled I welcome the loss.

It's this sweet release. Letting go. Just give it up. Losing it means that there is less I have to do. And I like that because I have way too much on my plate.

I want to be a more relaxed and peaceful person. I am tired of being so uptight and anxious. Tired of the worry and fear. So I am learning to let go.

Mostly I am being forced to let go. Holding on is what makes you crazy, not losing it.

I have isolated myself, trying to do it alone. The truth is, I am not alone and I do not have to do any of this alone.

There are a lot of us who need to learn that. When we seek control we hurt others. But ultimately we hurt ourselves. We rob ourselves of freedom that Christ gives us. We cannot enjoy what is here and now because of how we seek to control what is happening around us and what will happen in the future. We deny and we justify. And all we do is worth nothing. Because the control was never ours. No amount of controlling can change what God has ordained to be in his Sovereignty.

I really believe that there is peace and rest in that. So why is it so hard to give up control? Maybe that's why, for me, he is taking control by forcing me to lose it.

And that was July.

My Grief: Despair, Anger, Guilt, Hope

We have been told, and I have previously written, that when you have a special needs child you are forever in the grieving process. Ever since I finished my summer class I think it has left me with more time to think about and process Liam. And I have learned that this is my grief:

Despair. Sunday morning after breakfast and before getting ready for church, I took my sleeping baby boy in my arms and lay in bed crying over him. A great sadness overwhelmed me as my thoughts took me to the places Liam will never go. Here, I am not ok.

I am surrounded by friends who have recently had baby boys or are just finding out they are having a baby boy. Healthy, normal boys. I am so excited for them but so sad.

I wish so badly that when we had our 20 week ultrasound the technician would have recognized that we were having a boy. I am sad that I never had the chance to prepare for him and be excited for my son.

I wish we could back up to Liam's birth day and have a do over. We were so shocked at his arrival and the immediate concerns for his health that we never experienced the joy of a new baby. By the time we were settling down we learned of his chromonsonal disorder.

I wish more than anything Liam and I were bonding. He had several factors which prevented him from being able to nurse and I am still mourning that loss.

I was robbed.

Anger. I feel so angry that I did not have the chance to enjoy and prepare for my baby boy. I am even angrier that my sweet boy does not get to experience what most boys do. Why does he not get to be quite as strong? Why does he have to suffer the frustration of difficulty communicating? Why does my little boy not get to be a normal little boy? Why do my friends get to nurse their sweet babies and share in that special bond while I spend my time washing and sanitizing bottles and measuring and mixing stinky formula? It isn't fair!

I am not able to remain here long. I have always had a sensitive conscience and been driven by...

Guilt. I am so upset with myself for feeling so sad and so angry. I am so happy for my friends and I would never ever wish anyone to have to experience what we are experiencing.

More importantly, I love my son. And God made Liam, extra chromosomes included, just the way God intended to make Liam. I do not want Liam to be anyone other than who God made him to be. Because I know that before we ever saw Liam's sweet face God knew that face intimately. And before I ever felt those first sweet kicks, God was knitting that tiny body together fearfully and wonderfully. No, I do not want to change my son.

And if Liam had been born 200 years ago he would be dead. He would have starved to death weeks ago and we would be experiencing an even greater loss. So I would say that formula isn't such a bad thing. In fact it is such a wonderful blessing because when it comes to my baby's health, I'll do whatever he needs; and he needs to eat.

So I work through the guilt and stumble into what remains.

Hope. This morning we had our first home visit with a nurse who is a developmental specialist. She will be coming once a week or every other week to work with Liam and his development. He is doing great. We are so incredibly blessed that we found out so early about his disorder. We live in a place full of wonderful resources that are allowing Liam to recieve the care he needs for early intervention. Early intervention is so crucial to any child with any sort of developmental delay or learning disabiliy. The earlier you start working with them the better they are able to grow, develop, learn, and achieve. And I believe and hope with all my heart that we are giving Liam an amazing chance at achieving so much more than we could imagine.

This is what I was thinking about as I pushed my double stroller up and down the hills by the bay this morning:

I love California. This state might fall off the mainland and into the Pacific one day but there is no where else I'd rather be while on this earth. The brilliantly clear blue sky with the brightest shining sun; the bay water glistening, and on the other side of the coastal hills the mighty Pacific waves wash over the rocky shore. The eerie and majestic marine layer rolls over those hills and into the valleys ensuring the temperature cannot get too hot and the sea breeze provides all the cooling we need (except maybe 10 days out of the year). Perfect weather and some of the most beautiful landscape in creation. It demands an acknowledgment of the All Mighty Creator. The culture is casual and laid back and the people have a desire to love and accept everyone. I love the diversity of this place and the challenge of getting along with people whose values and ideals are not my own. I cannot imagine a place that needs the gospel any more than the 98% of the population in San Francisco who are not Christ followers. And I feel hope in the way God is using the people here to minister to the needs of our family and hope in what he will do through us to share the gospel with them.

And that hope spilled into my hope for Liam. When I let despair rule me, I am not focused on Liam's abilities. In fact, allowing myself to get lost in that despair would probably hinder the growth that Liam is capable of. The anger and guilt do not help him either. So I hope in my son's future. In the abilities he will have and the independence, no matter how small or great, he will achieve. I will hope in the plan and the purpose that God has for Liam, Sophie Grace, and Joe and myself. I will hope in the rest and the peace found in my Savior.

Too easily and for too long I have allowed myself to be robbed of joy and hope. I am still working on that, but I like days like today when God uses the resources here that are helping Liam and the beauty of this place, his creation to remind me of the hope he has given.

This is my grief. This time it took about a week to go through. I think sometimes it may take hours or days maybe sometimes even weeks, months, or years. But I need, and my family needs, to rest in hope.

Un-Reality

I do not live in a reality anymore. That's what life feels like. It's like I am in a dream-like state floating slowly, but out of control, through the days. The fog ahead of me is so thick I cannot even make out the outline of what lies ahead. Nothing seems real, yet life has never felt more real. I can only describe what is, as my un-reality.

How did I get here? I never imagined living in California. In fact, I told the Lord when I was in college that I was willing to go anywhere in the world to serve him except the Northeastern U.S. and California. Naturally those are the exact two places he led me. I have to confess that I LOVE California. The West Coast is a completely different culture from the East and it is the only place, besides Blacksburg, VA that has ever felt like home.

Maybe it feels like home because I am here with Joe. The man God had for me is nothing like the husband I imagined. And I am so thankful. Because the man God blessed me with is so much better than anything I thought I wanted.

And maybe it feels like home because God has called us here and so we belong here for that reason. God called us here and so even though I cannot see through the fog, I have an overwhelming peace.

I never imagined that in order to serve in ministry alongside my husband, I would have to develop partners to raise support instead of being in a place where we are given a salary and benefits. It is all so un-real but I cannot imagine being anywhere else or doing anything else.

In all of this, I am finding it hard to stop being busy. Yesterday, I was reading with Sophie Grace. We were reading one of her Bible story books. Her favorite stories are Samson, the giant (David & Goliath), and Jesus. We read Samson and we read David and Goliath and as I turned the pages to the New Testament stories to read one about Jesus, she said, "Marta" as I passed the story about Jesus visiting Mary and Martha. So I stopped and read.

Martha's tongue is sticking out as she furiously works and sweat pours off of her forehead as she fumes over the fact that Mary is not helping her. The little story makes her sound so whiny. And then on the last page the cartoon Jesus looks so kind with his arm around her telling her that Mary has chosen what is better, "She is listening to me."

I was struck by this. I am busy running around trying to get stuff done never taking the time to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to him. It is like I can see him sitting quietly in the room as I rush around and glance to the side. It is awkward that he is just sitting there waiting when clearly I have things to do and in fact have already started doing them. Maybe if I went and sat with him life would feel real again.

I work so hard to make it all okay. When we are out and people come over to comment on our brand new little baby, I find myself telling strangers about my special baby. I just find myself responding to their comment that he is so small with, "He has a chromosonal disorder and that is why is small." Typically this is followed by an awkward silence and a questioning look as they search for something appropriate to say and walk away.

Why do I feel the need to say that to strangers? It really is uncontrollable and I think it will go away. I think it is a way I am making this un-reality a little more real. I am refusing denial. Denial has to be the must frustrating part of grief. Why try to make a situation something it is not by pretending it doesn't exist? So anytime I feel like I can reasonably say it, I casually slide into a conversation that my baby has a disorder. Telling people about it keeps it real.

I do not know when my un-reality will feel more like reality. I am ready to feel more stable. I want to feel solid ground beneath my feet. I want to see the clear blue sky with the distinct shape of the city's skyline ahead of me.

I need to sit with my Savior so it isn't all so awkward anymore.

Release

As I sit here, in the library, finishing up some school work I am trying desperately to overcome the urge to let myself fall into my emotions and cry, and slowly losing that fight.

As I finished one assignment earlier this week I did succomb to that overwhelming need. I had not cried like that since I got the phone call from the geneticist telling us that Liam had a chromosome disorder. I am not really sure why I started crying. I think maybe I was releasing all my pent up stress about school and Liam.

Considering all that we have going on in our lives (our special boy, adjusting to 2 kids, me finishing school, developing partners and raising support for our ministry in SF, Joe working 2 jobs) Joe and I have remained very composed throughout the last 7 weeks. I think it is just time to let it out.

When I see pregnant women or my friends with their "normal" babies I feel so sad. I am happy for them but their normal experience brings tears to my eyes.

I am so in love with my baby boy. He started smiling this past week and he saves most of them for his momma =) I would not give him up for anything but dealing with this is hard. Joe and I have wanted nothing more than for everything to be normal and ok. We really are ok but we are learning that we do not have to make our situation normal. This is not normal. Most people do not experience what we are experiencing. Most of our friends are having normal, healthy babies and they will never know what it is like to walk the path we will walk. They will never experience the pain of realizing that their child will never have a fair shot at a college education, a godly marriage, and a family of his own. They will not have to face the stares and whispered comments of others noticing that something is wrong with that one. They will raise their normal, healthy children to grow up to be independent and capable adults.

But what I have to believe, is that we have a blessing that most of our friends will never experience. This little boy, created in the image of God, but with some extra special needs gets to be ours. We get to encourage him and celebrate him as he learns and accomplishes what he is capable of. He may not walk until he is 2 or 3 years old but when he does we will celebrate. He may not talk well but we will learn to understand him and equip him so that he is able to communicate. He may have limitations but we will celebrate his abilities. And even as I mourn what will never be, I will celebrate what has been given.

"yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places." ~Habakkuk 3:18-19

A Journey of Faith

Over the last few months it has become painfully obvious to me that the Lord is testing/stretching/growing my faith. As far as spiritual gifts go, faith has always been low on my list. Maybe this is related to the realist in me (Joe says I'm pessimistic, I say I just keep reality in check). Joe, on the other hand, is a man of great faith and I am honored and blessed to have such an amazing husband.

Faith is something we all need. I have always known that I needed more faith and wanted more faith. I've noticed that often when we pray for God to grow some area of our life he does so using dramatic events or circumstances.

When I was in college, I told God that I was willing to go anywhere to serve Him just please not the Northeastern U.S. or California. Naturally, those are the places that He lead me.

I think since Joe arrived here in San Francisco he's wanted to stay. I have been more hesitant in that desire. He was talking about it our first year of marriage but once we knew Sophie Grace was on the way I was 100% against moving into SF one day. There is no way I was going to raise my family in, gasp, the city.

Joe graduated this past December and I will this coming December. We feel called to collegiate ministry and it makes the most sense to begin that ministry/go wherever that is in time for the start of the fall semester. Knowing I had only one class left for the fall semester and that I could take that class online if needed, we began the search for a position in collegiate ministry. We started this process in January and I conceeded enough to allow staying in SF to be an option. Joe sent his resume to multiple states and we had one interview. We considered returning to Upstate New York, where we met, but ruled that out after a visit left us without peace about that option. The problem with San Francisco is the money. The cost of living is very high and if we wanted to stay here we knew that the only option for a salary was to raise support.

I had a conversation with my sweet friend Ellen a few months ago and she was sharing with me about how the Lord was teaching her about submitting to her husband. Ugh. I definitely am not good at that and I definitely knew as we were talking the Holy Spirit was speaking to me.

I play this game with God. I know where He is leading me and I push it away. If it is not what I think I want I like to pretend I don't know that's where He's leading me. So I came to Joe and I told him that I needed to submit to him. I told him that if he felt that we were supposed to stay in San Francisco, I would trust his leadership in that. If San Francisco is supposed to be the only option then I trust him to stop pursuing the others.

Almost immediately things started falling in place for staying in San Francisco. I felt bad that I had been holding us back. I knew in my heart it was right. It felt good to surrender and it felt peaceful.

And so God started me, and our family, on this journey of faith, faith that He will provide. In order to stay here we have to raise our own support. Last week Joe went to Louisville to go to Support School. We have been accepted by the North America Mission Board to be Mission Service Corp missionaries in San Francisco. We are going to be starting up a new campus ministry (Southern Baptist) at San Francisco State University. We have a LOT of funds to raise and so we are beginning to develop partners.

I am honestly scared. But at the same time I have this overwhelming peace because I know that this is where God wants us to be. So I am being forced to trust that He is going to provide. This process is humbling as well as faith-building. We are seeking out as many individuals as we can think of to share our story and vision for ministry at SFSU and asking them if they would be willing to partner with us financially.

I think it was the mother in me that fought this so hard. I want to make sure that we are taking care of our children. Doing something that seems so risky would be a lot easier if it were just Joe and I. But we have Sophie Grace and now we have Liam. This is a huge step of faith.

Liam, that sweet little surprise, has actually been another confirmation that we are supposed to stay here. We are getting involved with so many doctors and eventually therapists that it would be frustrating to find new people we trust somewhere else. And, this is a place with amazing resources and support for families of children with special needs. We are in such a good place.

I know this journey of faith will continue indefinitely as we search out partners in our ministry. I hope it always continues and I think it will because Liam is a journey of faith himself. I need more faith. Staying in San Francisco and being mommy to this special boy are stretching and growing and even testing my faith beyond anything I ever imagined.

Restoration

Liam has me thinking eschatologically. I must confess that even as a believer thinking about the end has never been something I liked to do. I am not sure why, maybe because it seems far away and honestly scary. But because I belong to Christ I have no reason to fear. And in fact, my life is being characterized by faith and hope and the end is the realization of the hope we have in Christ.

None of us is whole. God wanted us to be whole but instead we fell. God's desire for all humanity is that we be in relationship with Him. That relationship is made available to us through Jesus Christ. The end is all about being restored to that relationship. Never has the fact that we are not whole been more obvious to me than now.

We may look whole. Some people do not. Some cannot walk or are missing limbs and you can see by their appearance they are not whole. Liam may or may not have a look that shows he is not whole. But none of us is whole. Our wholeness is not physical only, it is so much more.

The geneticist gave us a picture of Liam's actual chromosomes. Insane to see what makes up who we are. We can look at the picture and see what isn't whole. Sure enough that last pair of chromosomes, instead of being a pair, has 5. So I can see that Liam is not whole and what we know about his syndrome tells us that as he grows we will see in his development that he is not whole.

But I've been thinking, what if he's more whole than the rest of us? I wonder if Liam's deficiencies will mean he is always innocent? And I wonder if that is true is he more whole than the rest of us? If he always has a child like faith I think that he must be closer to being in that relationship than the rest of us.

So I am more aware than ever that I am not whole but more excited than ever to be restored. I long for that restoration. In Revelation 21 we read that God will make all things new. A new heaven, a new earth, and Christ-followers restored into the relationship with God that He has always wanted us to have. I believe that individuals will be personally restored. We will be whole.

My sweet baby boy, an innocent soul tainted by the fall, will one day be whole. That is the hope I have through this for him. And I have hope as I eagerly anticipate my own restoration and being made whole. I don't know if we will recognize people in heaven or if those special family and friend relationships we have on earth will be made whole in heaven. It will not matter once we are there, eternally restored to our Creator. But while on this earth, the part of me that cannot fathom eternity, hopes that when I make it there I will see and know Liam in his whole and restored existence.

Mourning

Yes. Mourning. This is something that does not typically go hand in hand with the birth of a child but as I reflect on the last 3 weeks, I acknowledge its presence. Today I took Liam to a doctor's appointment (this is part of our new normal) and as the nurse walked us down the hallway to the exam room I heard lots of laughter. The nurse was commenting on how new Liam is in the world and informed me that the sound we heard was a baby shower. I felt sort of sad. I had a great baby shower this pregnancy...for "Ruthie."

When the doctor placed my baby boy in my arms I felt detached from this stranger. I had spent the last 21 weeks bonding with a second daughter. Both Joe and I felt, for the first day of Liam's life, we were in a way mourning the loss of this daughter we never had. We were thrilled to have a son but completely shocked and unprepared.

Joe and I were aware from hours after Liam's birth that there was a possibility something may not be completely normal. In a way this knowledge enabled us to attach to this baby we had not expected. This knowledge made us feel that we were sort of stuck in a weird place. Welcoming this second child was not going the way we thought it would.

We found out about Liam's chromosome disorder when he was one week old and had 5 days to wait until our appointment with the geneticist. Our life felt that it was at even more of a standstill during that time. Joe and I both felt that we were disconnected. We were mourning. It started at his birth and I think it will continue, in varying degrees, always.

We mourned for the daughter who never was and we mourned Liam's chromosome disorder. I have mourned the loss of bonding with this baby boy for these reasons and because he will not nurse but takes a bottle instead. The big and small both play a role.

But I have to cling to hope. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matt. 5:4) I get that! We may be mourning but I assure you all that our hearts are not broken. Not at any point in all of this have we felt that our hearts were broken. We've been sad and had a moment of hopelessness and devastation but never broken hearted. This is our baby. Our love for him is overwhelming.

The joy and celebration of having a new baby has been tainted with the knowledge that our lives are turning down an unexpected path. But we are joyful and we are celebrating Liam's life. We are mourning but we are comforted. We felt that comfort as soon as it all started while we were still in the hospital. We felt the peace of God and we chose to rest there.

I am so grateful for the way that God is revealing Himself to us. We have the opportunity to experience Him in ways we never have before and I think we would not have, if not for Liam.

I have always looked at the Beattitudes and thought they were talking about the promise of eternity for Christ-followers. They most certainly do but they give hope for life on this earth too. If I have Jesus then I can have this comfort. I do feel comforted and I did not even ask for it. He just gave it. He is my comfort.

I have said it before and will continue to say that there is no possible way we could walk this path without trusting and leaning completely on the Lord. So we will be blessed as we mourn, we will be comforted. Our hearts are not broken, they are rejoicing in the comfort of a Savior and the miracle of new life.

Giving Up

I am giving up. I have to. In order to accept the path laid before me I have to give up. Joe and I aren't doing anything that anyone else in our situation who is a loving parent and Christ follower wouldn't do. I truly believe that. I think when you haven't walked in someone's shoes it is hard to understand what they are going through. Not everyone knows what it means to have a child with special needs. I don't really know what that means yet. All we can do at this point is anticipate what this journey will look like.

Liam looks no different than any other newborn. He is actually looking more and more like his sister. They definitely have similar faces, especially the sleeping newborn face. It is hard for me to look at that precious baby boy and think about the fact that his brain is not going to develop the way most do. He is beautiful and sweet and so perfect to me. How can things we don't even see write a make-up for him that is so different from ours?


I am giving up. I cannot dwell on these things. If I did, I am sure I would spiral into a deep depression or I would go crazy. All I can do is give up and accept "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding," and "will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."(Philippians 4:7)

I think for the first time ever I finally understand what Jesus meant for us when he said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) I have never been able to let Jesus give me rest. I struggle with feeling like I have to do it myself. What Liam is already teaching me is that I cannot do it myself. I have to give up and learn from Jesus and rest in Him. I am excited about the place I believe this journey with Liam is going to take me in my personal relationship with the Lord. So I will start by accepting that Jesus wants me to rest in Him completely.

This brings freedom. We have barely started walking this unexpected path and already I am learning so much. We have freedom in Christ. Freedom from sin and all that entails. We will walk this path with Liam because our world is fallen. But we don't have to walk it alone and we don't have to be held captive by it. My Savior has set me free and I will not be chained our held captive by this.

So I am giving up. I am letting go and I am clinging to the only hope we have. I am clinging to the rest I have in my Savior and the freedom He brings.

A Path Not Chosen

April 21, 2011 changed our lives forever, but not in the way having a child typically does. We joyfully welcomed a son, Liam James Fraser, at 3:23am that Thursday morning completely shocked that the daughter we thought we would be welcoming was actually Liam. That in itself was a surprise full of mixed emotions. We had become attached to "Ruthie" since our 20 week ultrasound and in a way felt that we mourned her loss. At the same time we were incredibly excited that we had a son. Basically from the moment of his arrival, Liam's life pointed us down a road we did not anticipate.

Liam only weighed 5lbs 12oz even though he was a week late. Sophie Grace weighed over 8lbs a week early and this was cause for some concern to the doctors. They decided to run some blood tests on Liam just to make sure he was completely healthy. One of these tests was a genetic chromosome test. After seeing Liam's progress in the hospital the doctors were not expecting anything other than a normal result to come back from that test. On April 28, when Liam was one week old I received a phone call from the geneticist's office with the results. A normal male has 46 chromosomes and the sex chromosomes are XY. Liam has 49 chromosomes and those extra ones are X's. He is XXXXY.

Not normal. I felt like my world was crashing down around me. Joe was at work and had plans to attend a meeting for our future ministry position that night but I needed him at home. I could not stop crying. They didn't give me much information on the phone but did tell me that this very rare syndrome meant Liam would have physical and mental deficiencies. Friends came and took Sophie Grace for a bit so we could process. We of course googled the syndrome but did not allow ourselves to read too much. We had an appointment with the geneticist on Tuesday and decided it would be better to wait for that appointment to get most of our information.

This is a path we never thought we would walk. Who really imagines their baby being born anything other than healthy and normal? But we will walk this path. It is not a choice but we have to make some choices in order to determine what this walk will look like.

We believe with our whole hearts that God is the Creator and giver of life. Why he chose us to parent Liam is beyond us, but we are honored. God would not have given this precious boy to us if He did not intend it and know that Joe and I were the ones Liam needs. So we are prepared for this road to be hard but we are prepared to be blessed. We know that we absolutely cannot parent this child without fully depending on God. I do not think I have ever felt such a desire to draw near to God or understood so clearly how desperately I need Him.

There is no doubt in our minds that Sophie Grace is going to be the perfect big sister to Liam. She is a special little girl and she has a special little brother. We are so excited to see how they are shaped by each other.

We are not ignorant of the stress that having a child with these kinds of needs puts on the marriage relationship. As we welcome Liam into our family and walk this path we are praying that this will only grow us closer to one another and strengthen our marriage.

We need the support of our family and friends as we walk this path. We need your prayers most of all. If you want to learn more about Liam's syndrome please check out these websites:

www.xxxxysyndrome.com

www.RareChromo.org

This syndrome has varying degrees of severity and we won't know what it will look like in Liam until he is older and we see how he is growing and learning. There is nothing that either of us did that made this happen. Everyone has the same chance of having a son with this syndrome as anyone else. It is not hereditary and extremely unlikely that any other children we might have any kind of chromosomal syndrome. This is one of those random, "freak" things that can happen to anyone.

We are so in love with this baby boy. He is a healthy newborn and we are enjoying having him in our lives. We are learning already that we need to take this a day at a time and little by little in order to not feel overwhelmed. My initial reaction was one of hopelessness and a wish to wake up and find it was all a dream. Or I hoped that we might go to our appointment this morning and the geneticist apologize because they gave us the wrong results. But this is our son. This is Liam. We love him just the way God made him because he was perfectly made. God does not make mistakes. Liam is not a mistake and we won't wish him to be anyone other than who God has made him.

This Sunday is Mother's Day and I must confess it will feel completely different for me than it did last year. I feel like I am journeying into a whole different level of motherhood. I think it will be an incredibly emotional day. Our church is having a baby dedication service and we are so excited to be dedicating Liam to the Lord. For those of you in the Bay Area, we would love for you to join us at 10:15am on Sunday morning at First Baptist Church San Francisco for the baby dedication if that is a way you'd like to support us.

When I named this blog I never imagined that it would take on even more meaning than I originally thought it did. A good friend once told me that joy is a prayerful choice and Joe and I have promised to one another that we are going to choose joy. So the quest most certainly continues but it continues down a path we did not choose. We really hope that any of you reading this will join us on our journey. We would appreciate your prayers for our family. We hope and pray that our story and our son will bring glory to God.