Mourning

Yes. Mourning. This is something that does not typically go hand in hand with the birth of a child but as I reflect on the last 3 weeks, I acknowledge its presence. Today I took Liam to a doctor's appointment (this is part of our new normal) and as the nurse walked us down the hallway to the exam room I heard lots of laughter. The nurse was commenting on how new Liam is in the world and informed me that the sound we heard was a baby shower. I felt sort of sad. I had a great baby shower this pregnancy...for "Ruthie."

When the doctor placed my baby boy in my arms I felt detached from this stranger. I had spent the last 21 weeks bonding with a second daughter. Both Joe and I felt, for the first day of Liam's life, we were in a way mourning the loss of this daughter we never had. We were thrilled to have a son but completely shocked and unprepared.

Joe and I were aware from hours after Liam's birth that there was a possibility something may not be completely normal. In a way this knowledge enabled us to attach to this baby we had not expected. This knowledge made us feel that we were sort of stuck in a weird place. Welcoming this second child was not going the way we thought it would.

We found out about Liam's chromosome disorder when he was one week old and had 5 days to wait until our appointment with the geneticist. Our life felt that it was at even more of a standstill during that time. Joe and I both felt that we were disconnected. We were mourning. It started at his birth and I think it will continue, in varying degrees, always.

We mourned for the daughter who never was and we mourned Liam's chromosome disorder. I have mourned the loss of bonding with this baby boy for these reasons and because he will not nurse but takes a bottle instead. The big and small both play a role.

But I have to cling to hope. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matt. 5:4) I get that! We may be mourning but I assure you all that our hearts are not broken. Not at any point in all of this have we felt that our hearts were broken. We've been sad and had a moment of hopelessness and devastation but never broken hearted. This is our baby. Our love for him is overwhelming.

The joy and celebration of having a new baby has been tainted with the knowledge that our lives are turning down an unexpected path. But we are joyful and we are celebrating Liam's life. We are mourning but we are comforted. We felt that comfort as soon as it all started while we were still in the hospital. We felt the peace of God and we chose to rest there.

I am so grateful for the way that God is revealing Himself to us. We have the opportunity to experience Him in ways we never have before and I think we would not have, if not for Liam.

I have always looked at the Beattitudes and thought they were talking about the promise of eternity for Christ-followers. They most certainly do but they give hope for life on this earth too. If I have Jesus then I can have this comfort. I do feel comforted and I did not even ask for it. He just gave it. He is my comfort.

I have said it before and will continue to say that there is no possible way we could walk this path without trusting and leaning completely on the Lord. So we will be blessed as we mourn, we will be comforted. Our hearts are not broken, they are rejoicing in the comfort of a Savior and the miracle of new life.