Release

As I sit here, in the library, finishing up some school work I am trying desperately to overcome the urge to let myself fall into my emotions and cry, and slowly losing that fight.

As I finished one assignment earlier this week I did succomb to that overwhelming need. I had not cried like that since I got the phone call from the geneticist telling us that Liam had a chromosome disorder. I am not really sure why I started crying. I think maybe I was releasing all my pent up stress about school and Liam.

Considering all that we have going on in our lives (our special boy, adjusting to 2 kids, me finishing school, developing partners and raising support for our ministry in SF, Joe working 2 jobs) Joe and I have remained very composed throughout the last 7 weeks. I think it is just time to let it out.

When I see pregnant women or my friends with their "normal" babies I feel so sad. I am happy for them but their normal experience brings tears to my eyes.

I am so in love with my baby boy. He started smiling this past week and he saves most of them for his momma =) I would not give him up for anything but dealing with this is hard. Joe and I have wanted nothing more than for everything to be normal and ok. We really are ok but we are learning that we do not have to make our situation normal. This is not normal. Most people do not experience what we are experiencing. Most of our friends are having normal, healthy babies and they will never know what it is like to walk the path we will walk. They will never experience the pain of realizing that their child will never have a fair shot at a college education, a godly marriage, and a family of his own. They will not have to face the stares and whispered comments of others noticing that something is wrong with that one. They will raise their normal, healthy children to grow up to be independent and capable adults.

But what I have to believe, is that we have a blessing that most of our friends will never experience. This little boy, created in the image of God, but with some extra special needs gets to be ours. We get to encourage him and celebrate him as he learns and accomplishes what he is capable of. He may not walk until he is 2 or 3 years old but when he does we will celebrate. He may not talk well but we will learn to understand him and equip him so that he is able to communicate. He may have limitations but we will celebrate his abilities. And even as I mourn what will never be, I will celebrate what has been given.

"yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places." ~Habakkuk 3:18-19