A Journey of Faith

Over the last few months it has become painfully obvious to me that the Lord is testing/stretching/growing my faith. As far as spiritual gifts go, faith has always been low on my list. Maybe this is related to the realist in me (Joe says I'm pessimistic, I say I just keep reality in check). Joe, on the other hand, is a man of great faith and I am honored and blessed to have such an amazing husband.

Faith is something we all need. I have always known that I needed more faith and wanted more faith. I've noticed that often when we pray for God to grow some area of our life he does so using dramatic events or circumstances.

When I was in college, I told God that I was willing to go anywhere to serve Him just please not the Northeastern U.S. or California. Naturally, those are the places that He lead me.

I think since Joe arrived here in San Francisco he's wanted to stay. I have been more hesitant in that desire. He was talking about it our first year of marriage but once we knew Sophie Grace was on the way I was 100% against moving into SF one day. There is no way I was going to raise my family in, gasp, the city.

Joe graduated this past December and I will this coming December. We feel called to collegiate ministry and it makes the most sense to begin that ministry/go wherever that is in time for the start of the fall semester. Knowing I had only one class left for the fall semester and that I could take that class online if needed, we began the search for a position in collegiate ministry. We started this process in January and I conceeded enough to allow staying in SF to be an option. Joe sent his resume to multiple states and we had one interview. We considered returning to Upstate New York, where we met, but ruled that out after a visit left us without peace about that option. The problem with San Francisco is the money. The cost of living is very high and if we wanted to stay here we knew that the only option for a salary was to raise support.

I had a conversation with my sweet friend Ellen a few months ago and she was sharing with me about how the Lord was teaching her about submitting to her husband. Ugh. I definitely am not good at that and I definitely knew as we were talking the Holy Spirit was speaking to me.

I play this game with God. I know where He is leading me and I push it away. If it is not what I think I want I like to pretend I don't know that's where He's leading me. So I came to Joe and I told him that I needed to submit to him. I told him that if he felt that we were supposed to stay in San Francisco, I would trust his leadership in that. If San Francisco is supposed to be the only option then I trust him to stop pursuing the others.

Almost immediately things started falling in place for staying in San Francisco. I felt bad that I had been holding us back. I knew in my heart it was right. It felt good to surrender and it felt peaceful.

And so God started me, and our family, on this journey of faith, faith that He will provide. In order to stay here we have to raise our own support. Last week Joe went to Louisville to go to Support School. We have been accepted by the North America Mission Board to be Mission Service Corp missionaries in San Francisco. We are going to be starting up a new campus ministry (Southern Baptist) at San Francisco State University. We have a LOT of funds to raise and so we are beginning to develop partners.

I am honestly scared. But at the same time I have this overwhelming peace because I know that this is where God wants us to be. So I am being forced to trust that He is going to provide. This process is humbling as well as faith-building. We are seeking out as many individuals as we can think of to share our story and vision for ministry at SFSU and asking them if they would be willing to partner with us financially.

I think it was the mother in me that fought this so hard. I want to make sure that we are taking care of our children. Doing something that seems so risky would be a lot easier if it were just Joe and I. But we have Sophie Grace and now we have Liam. This is a huge step of faith.

Liam, that sweet little surprise, has actually been another confirmation that we are supposed to stay here. We are getting involved with so many doctors and eventually therapists that it would be frustrating to find new people we trust somewhere else. And, this is a place with amazing resources and support for families of children with special needs. We are in such a good place.

I know this journey of faith will continue indefinitely as we search out partners in our ministry. I hope it always continues and I think it will because Liam is a journey of faith himself. I need more faith. Staying in San Francisco and being mommy to this special boy are stretching and growing and even testing my faith beyond anything I ever imagined.

Restoration

Liam has me thinking eschatologically. I must confess that even as a believer thinking about the end has never been something I liked to do. I am not sure why, maybe because it seems far away and honestly scary. But because I belong to Christ I have no reason to fear. And in fact, my life is being characterized by faith and hope and the end is the realization of the hope we have in Christ.

None of us is whole. God wanted us to be whole but instead we fell. God's desire for all humanity is that we be in relationship with Him. That relationship is made available to us through Jesus Christ. The end is all about being restored to that relationship. Never has the fact that we are not whole been more obvious to me than now.

We may look whole. Some people do not. Some cannot walk or are missing limbs and you can see by their appearance they are not whole. Liam may or may not have a look that shows he is not whole. But none of us is whole. Our wholeness is not physical only, it is so much more.

The geneticist gave us a picture of Liam's actual chromosomes. Insane to see what makes up who we are. We can look at the picture and see what isn't whole. Sure enough that last pair of chromosomes, instead of being a pair, has 5. So I can see that Liam is not whole and what we know about his syndrome tells us that as he grows we will see in his development that he is not whole.

But I've been thinking, what if he's more whole than the rest of us? I wonder if Liam's deficiencies will mean he is always innocent? And I wonder if that is true is he more whole than the rest of us? If he always has a child like faith I think that he must be closer to being in that relationship than the rest of us.

So I am more aware than ever that I am not whole but more excited than ever to be restored. I long for that restoration. In Revelation 21 we read that God will make all things new. A new heaven, a new earth, and Christ-followers restored into the relationship with God that He has always wanted us to have. I believe that individuals will be personally restored. We will be whole.

My sweet baby boy, an innocent soul tainted by the fall, will one day be whole. That is the hope I have through this for him. And I have hope as I eagerly anticipate my own restoration and being made whole. I don't know if we will recognize people in heaven or if those special family and friend relationships we have on earth will be made whole in heaven. It will not matter once we are there, eternally restored to our Creator. But while on this earth, the part of me that cannot fathom eternity, hopes that when I make it there I will see and know Liam in his whole and restored existence.

Mourning

Yes. Mourning. This is something that does not typically go hand in hand with the birth of a child but as I reflect on the last 3 weeks, I acknowledge its presence. Today I took Liam to a doctor's appointment (this is part of our new normal) and as the nurse walked us down the hallway to the exam room I heard lots of laughter. The nurse was commenting on how new Liam is in the world and informed me that the sound we heard was a baby shower. I felt sort of sad. I had a great baby shower this pregnancy...for "Ruthie."

When the doctor placed my baby boy in my arms I felt detached from this stranger. I had spent the last 21 weeks bonding with a second daughter. Both Joe and I felt, for the first day of Liam's life, we were in a way mourning the loss of this daughter we never had. We were thrilled to have a son but completely shocked and unprepared.

Joe and I were aware from hours after Liam's birth that there was a possibility something may not be completely normal. In a way this knowledge enabled us to attach to this baby we had not expected. This knowledge made us feel that we were sort of stuck in a weird place. Welcoming this second child was not going the way we thought it would.

We found out about Liam's chromosome disorder when he was one week old and had 5 days to wait until our appointment with the geneticist. Our life felt that it was at even more of a standstill during that time. Joe and I both felt that we were disconnected. We were mourning. It started at his birth and I think it will continue, in varying degrees, always.

We mourned for the daughter who never was and we mourned Liam's chromosome disorder. I have mourned the loss of bonding with this baby boy for these reasons and because he will not nurse but takes a bottle instead. The big and small both play a role.

But I have to cling to hope. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matt. 5:4) I get that! We may be mourning but I assure you all that our hearts are not broken. Not at any point in all of this have we felt that our hearts were broken. We've been sad and had a moment of hopelessness and devastation but never broken hearted. This is our baby. Our love for him is overwhelming.

The joy and celebration of having a new baby has been tainted with the knowledge that our lives are turning down an unexpected path. But we are joyful and we are celebrating Liam's life. We are mourning but we are comforted. We felt that comfort as soon as it all started while we were still in the hospital. We felt the peace of God and we chose to rest there.

I am so grateful for the way that God is revealing Himself to us. We have the opportunity to experience Him in ways we never have before and I think we would not have, if not for Liam.

I have always looked at the Beattitudes and thought they were talking about the promise of eternity for Christ-followers. They most certainly do but they give hope for life on this earth too. If I have Jesus then I can have this comfort. I do feel comforted and I did not even ask for it. He just gave it. He is my comfort.

I have said it before and will continue to say that there is no possible way we could walk this path without trusting and leaning completely on the Lord. So we will be blessed as we mourn, we will be comforted. Our hearts are not broken, they are rejoicing in the comfort of a Savior and the miracle of new life.

Giving Up

I am giving up. I have to. In order to accept the path laid before me I have to give up. Joe and I aren't doing anything that anyone else in our situation who is a loving parent and Christ follower wouldn't do. I truly believe that. I think when you haven't walked in someone's shoes it is hard to understand what they are going through. Not everyone knows what it means to have a child with special needs. I don't really know what that means yet. All we can do at this point is anticipate what this journey will look like.

Liam looks no different than any other newborn. He is actually looking more and more like his sister. They definitely have similar faces, especially the sleeping newborn face. It is hard for me to look at that precious baby boy and think about the fact that his brain is not going to develop the way most do. He is beautiful and sweet and so perfect to me. How can things we don't even see write a make-up for him that is so different from ours?


I am giving up. I cannot dwell on these things. If I did, I am sure I would spiral into a deep depression or I would go crazy. All I can do is give up and accept "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding," and "will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."(Philippians 4:7)

I think for the first time ever I finally understand what Jesus meant for us when he said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) I have never been able to let Jesus give me rest. I struggle with feeling like I have to do it myself. What Liam is already teaching me is that I cannot do it myself. I have to give up and learn from Jesus and rest in Him. I am excited about the place I believe this journey with Liam is going to take me in my personal relationship with the Lord. So I will start by accepting that Jesus wants me to rest in Him completely.

This brings freedom. We have barely started walking this unexpected path and already I am learning so much. We have freedom in Christ. Freedom from sin and all that entails. We will walk this path with Liam because our world is fallen. But we don't have to walk it alone and we don't have to be held captive by it. My Savior has set me free and I will not be chained our held captive by this.

So I am giving up. I am letting go and I am clinging to the only hope we have. I am clinging to the rest I have in my Savior and the freedom He brings.

A Path Not Chosen

April 21, 2011 changed our lives forever, but not in the way having a child typically does. We joyfully welcomed a son, Liam James Fraser, at 3:23am that Thursday morning completely shocked that the daughter we thought we would be welcoming was actually Liam. That in itself was a surprise full of mixed emotions. We had become attached to "Ruthie" since our 20 week ultrasound and in a way felt that we mourned her loss. At the same time we were incredibly excited that we had a son. Basically from the moment of his arrival, Liam's life pointed us down a road we did not anticipate.

Liam only weighed 5lbs 12oz even though he was a week late. Sophie Grace weighed over 8lbs a week early and this was cause for some concern to the doctors. They decided to run some blood tests on Liam just to make sure he was completely healthy. One of these tests was a genetic chromosome test. After seeing Liam's progress in the hospital the doctors were not expecting anything other than a normal result to come back from that test. On April 28, when Liam was one week old I received a phone call from the geneticist's office with the results. A normal male has 46 chromosomes and the sex chromosomes are XY. Liam has 49 chromosomes and those extra ones are X's. He is XXXXY.

Not normal. I felt like my world was crashing down around me. Joe was at work and had plans to attend a meeting for our future ministry position that night but I needed him at home. I could not stop crying. They didn't give me much information on the phone but did tell me that this very rare syndrome meant Liam would have physical and mental deficiencies. Friends came and took Sophie Grace for a bit so we could process. We of course googled the syndrome but did not allow ourselves to read too much. We had an appointment with the geneticist on Tuesday and decided it would be better to wait for that appointment to get most of our information.

This is a path we never thought we would walk. Who really imagines their baby being born anything other than healthy and normal? But we will walk this path. It is not a choice but we have to make some choices in order to determine what this walk will look like.

We believe with our whole hearts that God is the Creator and giver of life. Why he chose us to parent Liam is beyond us, but we are honored. God would not have given this precious boy to us if He did not intend it and know that Joe and I were the ones Liam needs. So we are prepared for this road to be hard but we are prepared to be blessed. We know that we absolutely cannot parent this child without fully depending on God. I do not think I have ever felt such a desire to draw near to God or understood so clearly how desperately I need Him.

There is no doubt in our minds that Sophie Grace is going to be the perfect big sister to Liam. She is a special little girl and she has a special little brother. We are so excited to see how they are shaped by each other.

We are not ignorant of the stress that having a child with these kinds of needs puts on the marriage relationship. As we welcome Liam into our family and walk this path we are praying that this will only grow us closer to one another and strengthen our marriage.

We need the support of our family and friends as we walk this path. We need your prayers most of all. If you want to learn more about Liam's syndrome please check out these websites:

www.xxxxysyndrome.com

www.RareChromo.org

This syndrome has varying degrees of severity and we won't know what it will look like in Liam until he is older and we see how he is growing and learning. There is nothing that either of us did that made this happen. Everyone has the same chance of having a son with this syndrome as anyone else. It is not hereditary and extremely unlikely that any other children we might have any kind of chromosomal syndrome. This is one of those random, "freak" things that can happen to anyone.

We are so in love with this baby boy. He is a healthy newborn and we are enjoying having him in our lives. We are learning already that we need to take this a day at a time and little by little in order to not feel overwhelmed. My initial reaction was one of hopelessness and a wish to wake up and find it was all a dream. Or I hoped that we might go to our appointment this morning and the geneticist apologize because they gave us the wrong results. But this is our son. This is Liam. We love him just the way God made him because he was perfectly made. God does not make mistakes. Liam is not a mistake and we won't wish him to be anyone other than who God has made him.

This Sunday is Mother's Day and I must confess it will feel completely different for me than it did last year. I feel like I am journeying into a whole different level of motherhood. I think it will be an incredibly emotional day. Our church is having a baby dedication service and we are so excited to be dedicating Liam to the Lord. For those of you in the Bay Area, we would love for you to join us at 10:15am on Sunday morning at First Baptist Church San Francisco for the baby dedication if that is a way you'd like to support us.

When I named this blog I never imagined that it would take on even more meaning than I originally thought it did. A good friend once told me that joy is a prayerful choice and Joe and I have promised to one another that we are going to choose joy. So the quest most certainly continues but it continues down a path we did not choose. We really hope that any of you reading this will join us on our journey. We would appreciate your prayers for our family. We hope and pray that our story and our son will bring glory to God.