Blessed in the Unexpected

This past week I caught up with two of my best friends from college and it did my heart so good! I'm not often homesick but every once in a while I am overwhelmed by the desire to be in Virginia. This longing is two-fold: sometimes a girl just needs to visit her roots, see her family, and let my family take care of me and love my babies for a few days; and sometimes I just cannot help but remember my college days and just long to be sitting around having a good talk with my girl friends.

This leads me to reflect on the life that God has given me and how wholly unexpected it is. Nothing in my life has gone according to plan, my plan anyway. Most of the time I'm okay with that but if I'm completely honest with myself there are times when I think, "why?" 

Let's not dwell on the questions though. They come in the night and are not part of what is good and true. I just want to stay honest and I do not think any of us can honestly claim to have everything all together. I certainly don't.

My sweet friend Sarah told me recently that to her, it seems like I have everything in my life that most people want. I have an absolutely amazing man that I am honored to call husband and two beautiful children that I adore and delight in. This is true. I have these things. But it's in the details that everything is so unexpected.

Joe is so much better than I could have ever dreamed a husband to be. I am so thankful and so blessed that God knew what we needed and brought us together. I always thought I would be married right after graduating college which didn't happen. At the time it felt a bit devastating for that desire to not come true but getting married 2 years later really isn't that big of deal. And honestly, as I approach 30, I realize how young 24 is and how ok it would have been to wait longer. The Lord brought me to a place that I didn't really care how long it took, I just wanted the man God had planned for me. It is so much better this way.

We knew that we wanted a family but our timeline looked a bit different from what actually happened. We would not take Sophie Grace back. She is truly amazing. Daily Joe and I look at each other and ask, "Where did she come from?" Having kids drastically changes life. It is so hard but so completely wonderful. We are blown away that the Lord would entrust the life of this child to us and we seek to acknowledge that she belongs to Him alone. We pray that she will know and serve Him with her whole self. We named her believing that she will be a reflection of its meaning: Sophie = wisdom; Grace = unmerited favor; Beulah = married (Isaiah 62). 

And you all know Liam. Of course we did not expect to have a child who will not develop "typically" or necessarily live a "typical" life. We knew he would bless us and have taken the perspective that not only did God feel Liam needed us, but we needed Liam. And what a blessing he is! What an honor that the Lord would entrust this not so average child into our care. And just like his sister, he is an absolute delight. When I think of Liam the words of James run through my mind and heart, "Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is now variation or shifting shadow." (1.17)

I think I felt the call to ministry when I was twelve years old. This is when I remember hearing the story of Lottie Moon for the first time. I was completely in awe of the way this woman lived her life and gave it to share the gospel with those who did not know. During  my time in college the Lord confirmed this call and I experimented in different types of service and missions including spending a summer over seas in east Asia. My senior year I felt that He was calling me to step outside of my comfort zone to serve college students. College was a time of incredible spiritual growth in my life and I felt the desire to be a part of that in the lives of others. 

I honestly felt my call to ministry would be international but I love that God plans things so vastly different and completely perfect than what we expect. I never wanted to be in California, I was much more willing to go over seas, but I love it. I never thought that we would have to raise our support but it puts us in a place of complete dependency on God and His provision and He is so faithful.

I know I've written about all these things in the past but hey, it's been a while, and frankly, this is my life and so my heart and mind spend a lot of time dwelling on these things. 

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The First Year

We made it! The first year. Sweet Liam turned 1 this past Saturday, 4/21. The first birthday is always so special, and let's be honest, for the parents much more than the kid. But this first birthday was so much more. We joyfully celebrated our little man with a monster party...

But this week is one packed with emotion and memories that leave me reeling from anxiety, stress, and everything you aren't supposed to feel when you bring your newborn baby home.

Joe and I knew that something may be going on with our new baby boy. We told only two other couples what was going on with our baby. We did not tell our families even though my mom was staying with us. We decided there was no reason to worry them when we didn't know for sure. The test we were waiting for was the genetic karyotype. 

Honestly, I was trying to get used to being home with 2 kids and accepting the son who had shown up instead of the daughter we thought was coming. I don't remember being worried during the week we waited. Everyone at the hospital was confident the results would be normal and were apologizing to us for doing the test in the first place. 

I wish things hadn't gone down the way they did. The first 6 hours of Liam's life were an absolute nightmare. But I cannot take it back. I feel confident that if it weren't for an overly dramatic nurse named John who succeeded in creating a chaotic post-partum situation, we would not have a diagnosis. Without a diagnosis we would not have early intervention and my Human Development degree and background working with kids would be driving me into a full blown panic screaming at our doctor that something is wrong.

Needless to say the birth of my son and the diagnosis following his birth one week later sent me on an emotional plummet into a dark hole. 

Saturday night after Liam's party my sweet friend Ellen called me. She brought up the negative emotions that surrounded Liam's birth. But she also brought up how good God is in restoring joy. 

Liam is an absolute delight. He is very small for his age, doesn't have any teeth yet, doesn't really vocalize too much, and as far as physical milestones go he is sitting independently. All of this makes him appear to be about 6 months old. But he is 1 and in other ways you can tell he's older. He holds his cup which has a straw like a big boy and drinks it. It looks ridiculously cute because the cup is bigger than his face. He waves all the time. If you look at him and smile he cocks his little head to the side, gives an adorable little grin and waves and waves and waves. I can't even stand it =)

So yes, I would agree with Ellen. God most certainly restored to us the joy that was absent at Liam's birth. 

The first year was so much more challenging and so much greater at the same time than I ever thought it could be. Liam has more than exceeded our expectations from what we thought when we first learned about 49XXXXY. And my personal journey over the last year has challenged me deeply. 

I told Joe that I think as far as Liam goes this first year was probably the easiest. I can get a little sad and anxious thinking about what awaits us. Liam will most likely wear orthotics to stabilize his joints as he begins to walk, there is a great potential for behavioral issues because of his delay in verbal communication, and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever hear that sweet boy say, "Mama," as apraxia/dyspraxia sits like a small, quiet, but steady threat in the back of my mind. 

But I cannot go there. I have to take it one day at a time. And today, I am so thankful to God for His faithfulness and goodness in the perfect gift that is Liam and the restored joy.

Just, why are You so good?

Last night we were delighted to be part of a birthday dinner for a very special friend and had the opportunity to celebrate with some of the other people in her life. It was our first time meeting a couple of them and we had such a great time. But I keep coming back to this one conversation that was had over dinner. A notorious murderer was brought into the conversation and the assertion was made that he had become a Christian before he died in prison. Quite understandably one of the party remarked that was her big issue with the Christian faith: 


How could someone like that be in heaven?


I agree. How could someone like that be in heaven? But that's not for me to decide. I am not the judge.


But I know the Judge.


The attributes or characteristics of God are so fascinating to me. The two juxtaposed pairs that have been the most thought provoking to me over the last year are: 


God is GREAT and God is good.


God is JUST and God is merciful.


Let's focus on the latter, How can God be both just and merciful? To work this out I think you must have an understanding of sin. Simply put, none of us are perfect and can't we all admit we've done things we shouldn't? By sin I mean all those wrong things we do. So wrong things for some people mean little white lies and for others mean murder. 


So now that we understand sin, we can talk about how that relates to God. God is without sin; He is HOLY. Because He is holy He cannot tolerate anything that is not holy. That means all of us. Sin makes us not holy. Whether we told a little lie that hurt a friend or killed that friend it is all sin and God, in his holiness, cannot make one better than the other. Both are unholy but He is holy. If we know all of this then we can say that God is just in His condemnation of any human because none of us is holy. We all have some sin.


But God is not only just, He is merciful. Enter Jesus. God loves us. We are His creation. It is His desire that we all be reconciled to Him. So He sent His Son. To die. So that we might live. All we have to do is acknowledge we need Him because we are sinful and believe Jesus really did die and come to life again. It is a free gift. It is grace. It is mercy.


How can something so simple be so hard? If you believe, it probably does seem simple. If you don't believe, you must think it's absolute insanity. 


I struggle with this just thing in a different way now. I love Jesus. He is my Savior and my Lord. I am thankful, but probably not thankful enough, for his gift of grace through the mercy He has shown sinful me. Where my struggle lies is in Liam. How is that fair? Just?


I have written and even said aloud to people that I have questioned God, why my son? But this week I started thinking about it and I realized that I haven't. Maybe I thought I should have or thought that's what everyone would think I was doing but I hadn't done it. So tonight I did. I asked Him,


 WHY?


I'm not sure what was supposed to happen. Everything was quiet. A few tears slipped down my cheeks and onto the pillow but I didn't break down or explode. Immediately the words I've been typing here for the last 20 minutes began to fill my mind and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I'd emptied myself.


I'm so scared of harboring anger and getting stuck in a place of distance from God because of Liam. Maybe I think I should and maybe at times I have. My life the last 9 months has been an emotional roller coaster and I find that I am quite a contradiction in myself from one day to the next. But I am quite sure of one thing,


God is good. He is so good!


I see His goodness in His provision for our family financially as we begin a new ministry and have moved into San Francisco.


I see His goodness in the husband He blessed me with because he is so kind and loving in his role as husband and father.


I see His goodness in my sweet little girl with a personality that bounces along with her curls.


And I see His goodness in my tiny little man who just started sitting up this week and brings so much joy to our little family. It just wouldn't be right any other way. 


Oh yes. God is good.

Superstar

I think that every mother struggles at times with feelings of inadequacy in the job she is doing as a mother. When you factor in a special needs child, that feeling increases significantly.


When you have a Liam in your life, it isn't so simple to let just anyone watch your baby. Nothing is the same with him as it is with an average baby. Feeding him isn't as simple as opening the jar of baby food while he opens up his mouth like a little bird and no matter how fast you move you cannot get the spoon into his mouth fast enough. Nope. Feeding Liam is saying, "aaahh" so he opens his mouth and "mmmm" so he closes his lips together and is actually able to swallow. Feeding takes forever and don't expect him to eat everything you have there. A good day is when he eats half.


*sigh*


And Liam having play time isn't just sitting him up on a blanket with a few toys. For one, he cannot sit up yet even though he'll be 9 months old in 3 days. And second, he has physical and occupational therapy and that means certain exercises and activities designed to help him gain strength and develop his motor skills.


No, when you have 3 therapies a week, a two year old to chase around and entertain, and a house to keep up, life isn't exactly "normal" or "average."


Wednesdays are oral-motor therapy days. And last week Liam had a great day =) Let me just make a disclaimer by saying that Liam really does fantastic at all of his therapies and we always see at least small improvements from week to week. But last week, was exceptional. Liam's therapist was so excited with how well he ate, did his chewy tube exercises, and drank a yogurt/milk mixture from his pink cut out cup, that she decided he needed a sticker. SUPERSTAR.


I was beaming. 


She told me that she always looked forward to our sessions because she could tell that we were good parents. She commented on how well I know him. I know how to  understand him, even his most subtle indicators. I couldn't help that my eyes welled up with tears as she affirmed my parenting of this little guy. And I was so proud of him that I just couldn't contain the joy. 


On the drive home I cried. We've been through so much over the last 9 months. I have worked so hard to be what Liam needs me to be but most days I feel like my grade for the day is a big FAIL. I just don't have time to work with him on everything that needs work every day. At the end of most days I am calculating in my mind what we worked on or didn't work on and fear that I have fallen way too short. The pressure is immense. How "able" Liam is going to ultimately be depends very much on these therapies and our "homework." It's not a joke and it must be taken seriously. Because if for some reason there is something that he is not so good at, I am sure the first person I will find to blame will be myself. I end each day thinking, "I could have done more. I need to do more."


But the words of Ms. K just lifted my heart. And I reflected on this tiny little boy who shocked us with his arrival and how he completely turned our lives upside down because of how God made him. I was humbled. Humbled by my determined, hard working little man. Liam works so hard and I am so proud of him! I know that most days I really could have worked more with him but he is making huge gains in spite of my inadequacies. He really is a superstar =)

A Quiet Acceptance

The sadness doesn't feel the same way that it used to feel. 


In the beginning it was so overwhelming and so painful that the thought of things not being the way they used to be or the way they were supposed to be was unbearable. It was like losing something or someone and not being able to stand what the future looked like. Crying those big, ugly sobs, unable to catch your breath, falling into an exhaustion and finding a determined strength to somehow un-do what was done. It was like my mind was breaking over my inability to see and know what this new reality would be.


Like drowning. At least how I imagine drowning to be.


Liam is 8 and a half months old today (Jan. 7). I think it is fair to say that it took about 6 months for me to embrace this new reality and come into this quiet acceptance.


The sadness doesn't hurt anymore. It is more like a quiet friend, or maybe companion, who I know is always there, but I can endure its presence. I can calmly accept these circumstances and not let them steal my joy or tear down my strength. 


I feel like I've emerged from an overshadowing fog that veiled the first 6 months of Liam's life. I do not know what happened or how it happened but somehow I have survived (I am sure Jesus carried me). Barely survived. Only survived by Him. 


I have stood at the edge and been tempted to fall into a darkness that would allow me to become lost in my grief and tortured by the mournful pain and shut out from the outside. I have wanted to tell the world to just leave me alone.


But I was not made for that. 


The Creator formed this baby boy. He has huge blue eyes - the same color as his daddy's, and they have long feathery lashes. He has plump, but droopy cheeks and they lift up when he smiles and his sweet little nose gets flat. When I walk in his room in the mornings and he hears me say his name he gets excited and coos a sweet baby "good morning" and smiles and lifts his little arms up towards me. He lights up when he sees his big sister and she greets him with a not so gentle kiss and perhaps a hug that could be called crushing =) He has fun playing with his daddy and sometimes gets a little sad when he leaves to go to work.


I want you to know him. I think you'd think he was a sweet, good, happy baby. He spends his days in the shadow of an amazing little girl who radiates life, joy, energy, and even a little sass. He adores her but she annoys him sometimes too. She just loves life and enters each new day bouncing and bubbling and ends it the same.


They are just perfect. Just what I need. They are a reminder of faith, hope, love, joy, blessing, provision, life, and the One who is the author of all those things. I was made for this.


So I bask in the delight of my children and quietly accept the sadness that comes, free of charge, with those extra chromosomes we did not order.


Once that fog started to lift, the sadness changed. At first I wanted so badly to pray for a miracle to change him. But now, if Liam being a "normal" boy meant he would be anything other than the baby I have today, I wouldn't want it. I want him just the way he is today. Just the way he was in the beginning. Just the way he's meant to be in the future. My son is not "disabled" or "different," he is Liam and he just so happens to have a few extra chromosomes, they were free =) He will not be defined by 49XXXXY, he will help define it. So whatever that means, whether he completely breaks the mold or falls right in the middle of it, we will push him to be all he can, encourage him to be himself, and deep in the heart of this momma, a quiet acceptance of the sadness will rest underneath the love and pride.

Whatever my lot, You have taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.