Indescribable Joy

I think I would have to say that my sweet baby girl is currently the largest source of my joy. There really are no words to describe what it's like to be a parent and experience the love that you have for your child. I just think about her or look at a picture of her and the love and joy cannot be contained. She is so amazing. We are always so desperate for her to take a nap or go down for the night but once she's been asleep for a while we cannot wait for her to wake up again! OH I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE HER!!!!

I am so thankful that God gave us Sophie Grace. And as much as I love her and love the joy that she brings us; I am fully aware that she should not be the greatest source of my joy. My joy should be in the Lord and what He has done for me and in serving Him. I believe that He wants me to have joy in my child but I want to have more joy in Him. I want to take my understanding of the joy I have as a parent and apply that to my relationship with God. I am His daughter and as a Father doesn't He have that kind of love and joy for me (but probably even more because He is God)?

Ever since Sophie Grace was born I feel like maybe I can imagine a little bit of what God goes through with us. I am so scared that she is not to be attached to me because I work. She loves her daddy and I hope she is a daddy's girl but last week she was definitely preferring him over me and it kind of hurt my feelings. Can you imagine how we hurt our loving Heavenly Father every time we choose something instead of Him? And can you imagine how many times a day that happens? He has billions of children and the majority of them are not choosing His love.

I wonder if by not choosing His joy I do hurt Him? I can trace this back a couple of year which I will eventually write about because I think I'm doing this as part of my healing process; but right now what I can talk about is work. I hate it. Not because I hate what I do, I actually love being a preschool teacher, but because I have to leave my baby girl to do it. I always imagined staying home with my babies and going back to work once they were in school. But Sophie Grace came at a time we weren't planning and we felt like our only choice was for me to work.

Anger. That's been the result. At first I was fine. I think I didn't really let myself think about how I was leaving her, but after our 2 week Christmas break I was DONE. I finally let it all out. One Sunday night our sweet friend Sarah called us to tell us that she couldn't babysit the next day. We found another friend to do it no problem but just the fact that we were looking for a sitter made me finally let it out. I hate that I have to depend on other people to care for my baby when it should be me. I want it to be me. I was so mad that God sent us a child at a time when I would not be able to be home with her. And I told my amazing husband that I was so mad at him for not trusting God to provide another way for us because he is always telling me that God will provide. And then an overwhelming sadness came over me. I feel....

hopeless
desperate
SAD

I have to stick this out for 3 more months. Actually 3 months from today (May 28) is my last day. And yes, oh yes, I am anxiously counting down. And that day, I will feel indescribable joy.

What is joy anyway?

Joy...

What does it even mean? It's not the same thing as being happy. And believe me when I tell you that my happiness is up and down and all over the place. You can have joy and not be happy. And I think that you can have a moment of happiness and not have joy. But still the question remains....what is joy?

A wise friend once told me that joy is a prayerful choice. A choice. That means I make the decision. That means I have chosen my current state of sorrow. I'm not so sure I like that. And maybe what's even harder to grasp is that I'm not sure how to choose my way out of this.

I used to have joy. It used to bubble out of me and sustain me. It was my most treasured gift from my God. I'm not sure where I left it but if it was a gift then it still is a gift. It is mine and I want it back. Jesus told his disciples that he loved them and that by keeping his commandments they would abide in his love. He said,

"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." ~John 15:11(esv)

So by walking with Christ, abiding in his love, and obeying his commands, I can have JOY. Beautiful, right? Not too hard when you read it, but for me, at this point in time, this is harder than anything I have ever done (and I've been in labor for 15 hours and delivered an 8lb baby).

WELCOME to MY JOURNEY.

I'm not sure who you are or if you'll care. I'm not sure if this is for me, you, Him, or maybe no one at all. What I do know is that I am searching and I am confident that as I seek God I will find my joy. I have to have confidence in that. If I cannot trust; then I have nothing.

This is my now, this is my then, and this is my future....full of joy.