Just, why are You so good?

Last night we were delighted to be part of a birthday dinner for a very special friend and had the opportunity to celebrate with some of the other people in her life. It was our first time meeting a couple of them and we had such a great time. But I keep coming back to this one conversation that was had over dinner. A notorious murderer was brought into the conversation and the assertion was made that he had become a Christian before he died in prison. Quite understandably one of the party remarked that was her big issue with the Christian faith: 


How could someone like that be in heaven?


I agree. How could someone like that be in heaven? But that's not for me to decide. I am not the judge.


But I know the Judge.


The attributes or characteristics of God are so fascinating to me. The two juxtaposed pairs that have been the most thought provoking to me over the last year are: 


God is GREAT and God is good.


God is JUST and God is merciful.


Let's focus on the latter, How can God be both just and merciful? To work this out I think you must have an understanding of sin. Simply put, none of us are perfect and can't we all admit we've done things we shouldn't? By sin I mean all those wrong things we do. So wrong things for some people mean little white lies and for others mean murder. 


So now that we understand sin, we can talk about how that relates to God. God is without sin; He is HOLY. Because He is holy He cannot tolerate anything that is not holy. That means all of us. Sin makes us not holy. Whether we told a little lie that hurt a friend or killed that friend it is all sin and God, in his holiness, cannot make one better than the other. Both are unholy but He is holy. If we know all of this then we can say that God is just in His condemnation of any human because none of us is holy. We all have some sin.


But God is not only just, He is merciful. Enter Jesus. God loves us. We are His creation. It is His desire that we all be reconciled to Him. So He sent His Son. To die. So that we might live. All we have to do is acknowledge we need Him because we are sinful and believe Jesus really did die and come to life again. It is a free gift. It is grace. It is mercy.


How can something so simple be so hard? If you believe, it probably does seem simple. If you don't believe, you must think it's absolute insanity. 


I struggle with this just thing in a different way now. I love Jesus. He is my Savior and my Lord. I am thankful, but probably not thankful enough, for his gift of grace through the mercy He has shown sinful me. Where my struggle lies is in Liam. How is that fair? Just?


I have written and even said aloud to people that I have questioned God, why my son? But this week I started thinking about it and I realized that I haven't. Maybe I thought I should have or thought that's what everyone would think I was doing but I hadn't done it. So tonight I did. I asked Him,


 WHY?


I'm not sure what was supposed to happen. Everything was quiet. A few tears slipped down my cheeks and onto the pillow but I didn't break down or explode. Immediately the words I've been typing here for the last 20 minutes began to fill my mind and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I'd emptied myself.


I'm so scared of harboring anger and getting stuck in a place of distance from God because of Liam. Maybe I think I should and maybe at times I have. My life the last 9 months has been an emotional roller coaster and I find that I am quite a contradiction in myself from one day to the next. But I am quite sure of one thing,


God is good. He is so good!


I see His goodness in His provision for our family financially as we begin a new ministry and have moved into San Francisco.


I see His goodness in the husband He blessed me with because he is so kind and loving in his role as husband and father.


I see His goodness in my sweet little girl with a personality that bounces along with her curls.


And I see His goodness in my tiny little man who just started sitting up this week and brings so much joy to our little family. It just wouldn't be right any other way. 


Oh yes. God is good.