Even as a child I never quite felt like I belonged. I didn't really see how I fit in this place. Home never really felt the way I thought home should feel. I always felt different from my family and friends. I never felt like I was more or less, just different and uncertain of how I fit into the world in which I was born.
I knew at a fairly young age that God was calling me to His service. That was one thing I did feel sure of. I also knew that one of my heart's greatest desires was to be married and have children. I think I was probably about 12 when I began to understand these things and I can remember how simple it felt in my child-mind.
There are places that have felt more like home to me than Chatham, VA. Let me take a little detour here and get what some would call my "crazy" out. To me, the most beautiful place in the world lies nestled in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Blacksburg, Virginia. Always a piece of me will belong to that place and maybe to the time I lived there. At that point in my life, my 4 years at Virginia Tech were by far the happiest and best. I LOVE that place. I think maybe my fellow Hokies can understand what I mean. But for me I think the love goes a little deeper than Lane Stadium roaring while "Enter Sandman" pounds the air or the fact that Hokies do indeed bleed orange and maroon and call ourselves a nation. It was while at Virginia Tech that I met people who cared about what God may be calling me to. People invested in me and discipled me. I experienced incredible spiritual growth through the leadership of the staff at the BSU/BCM and alongside the people God allowed me to call friends. I will always think of Blacksburg as home and it felt more like home than any place ever has.
I said "places" plural. There is another. A city that sits rolling up and down hills by the Bay, shining white in the distance when you look across the water, San Francisco. I love this place too but I also hate it I think. Love and hate are 2 sides of the same coin I hear. Let me explain. I am so excited that I get to live here and I so love the people, the culture, the place. But here I am so far away from my family and my friends. I have amazing friends here that I never want to leave and they are amazingly supportive. I love them dearly. But I miss my old friends too. And I miss my family more than I ever have before.
This life God gave me just gets harder and harder (I do not think I am the only person who feels the way, probably we all do, but I just need to tell you). Raising our own support, starting a ministry(which scares me so much), having 2 small children and one of them special needs; these are not things I never anticipated when I new God was calling me to serve him and I knew I wanted a husband and kids. NEVER. I have reached a place where I almost cannot handle how hard it is.
We are so poor, but it isn't the money that's so hard really. God always provides and has blessed us in incredible ways. It is stressful but it does not make me unhappy. I can be happy with just a little.
Starting the ministry is terrifying. I am so scared we will fail. When I lived in Ithaca, NY I was thrown into a situation that was completely inappropriate for someone who had just graduated college and had NO ministry experience. I have not talked about this experience very much and I will not dwell on it here for long but it is most certainly impacting what is happening in me today. I was expected to START a ministry ALONE. My supervision was distant and completely lacked knowledge about campus ministry. It was a total disaster and it took me many, many months to find myself again after I left that place. In fact, I am not sure that the Megan I used to be ever came back completely and it still makes me sad to think about that. So when I think about starting this ministry here, I think I have legitimate reason to be scared. But I know this is different. This situation is completely different.
And perhaps what is shocking me the most and making me sad in a way I have rarely experienced, is that I miss home. I wish I was closer to my family so they could see us more. I wish my kids were able to go over to their grandparents' house the way I did when I was a kid. I wish I had those willing and excited babysitters to watch the kids so I could do things I need to do or just a have a much needed break. I wouldn't worry about being a burden or owing someone something. I know that I have people who would be angry if I did not let them watch my kids on a regular basis. It is hard to be so far away even when you know it is right and even though you love it, which makes me hate it.
Perhaps I would feel this way with the difficulty of 2 kids regardless of Liam's situation. But I believe that Liam's situation makes things much harder. He is not a hard baby. He is sweet and happy and I am so proud of him! He is exceeding what my expectations were of him at this stage and I am falling more and more in love with him every day. Sophie Grace is a sassy 2 year old but I love her so much I cannot even stand it. Even when she tells me to "chill out." But I am finding that as sweet and supportive as all of our friends here are, and I could not stay here if it wasn't for them, that it's just not the same as family.
And as much as I do love the weather here it would be nice to have 4 seasons and not just, rain(winter) or am fog/sun/pm fog(summer).
So why this roller coaster of emotion and this confusion of home? I believe that the reason I have struggled to feel at home is because Earth is most certainly not my home. I think in my heart, mind, and soul, I long for my eternal home and for some reason, God has always allowed me to feel that way. It keeps me wanting Him and looking forward to life perfectly reconciled and restored to Him. And those places on Earth that have felt most like home are the places where I have been closest to Him, whether by His call for my growth or service to Him.
I would LOVE to live in Blacksburg again one day. Not sure if that will ever happen. But my greatest heart's desire is to be serving God with the man He gave me to call husband and the children He made in His image. I want to be obedient to that call no matter how difficult. Jesus never said that serving Him would be easy, in fact He told his followers to expect difficulties. I wonder if they felt at home in the hard times? So I am thankful that even in the hard times, serving Him where He wants me to be does feel like home.
