This is my Megan!

Hey guys,

This is Joe by the way.  I don't usually post to the blog but I needed to let you guys know how amazing my wife is.  I know you all think you know how amazing she is but you don't know the amazing Megan Fraser like I do!  She is truly the best wife, mother, friend, partner that anyone could ask for.  She is a woman of conviction and she makes me a better man, husband, father, minister.  She is a woman of strong faith in the One True Living God and I envy her relationship she has with God!  Megan is the smartest person I know!  I wish that I could be half as smart as her.  She would not tell anyone this but in her Old Testament class she is in this semester, she is at the top of the class!  Her professor brags on her for being smarter than all the men in the that are class trying to complicate the scripture.  I am like, "yeah, that's my wife!"  Before Megan and I started dating when we were living in New York, I would go to a Bible Study she was leading at Cornell University, and I was amazed at the amount of wisdom this girl was bringing to these Ivy League students about the Word of God!  Megan represents everything that a Proverbs 31 woman is and should be.  Megan is funny too!  She has the best sense of humor.  We can laugh at most anything.  I love laughing with her!  Megan cares for her friends.  Just tonight Megan went over to one of our friend's home just to check on her because God told her to.   Megan is so sacrificial!  When we were deciding what we were going to do after seminary, we could have chosen some easier paths rather than staying here and having to raise our own support.  She trusted that God told us that we were supposed stay here and reach students with the Gospel of Jesus Christ in San Francisco.  God has blown us away in this process and I am thankful for a wife that supports and trusts me to lead our family!  Megan is the best mom ever!  I love to watch disciple Sophie Grace even at 2 years old.  Megan has given this little girl a passion for the Word of God and we see her truly living up to what her name means (a woman of wisdom and grace).  And with Liam our special boy...she has loved him and done everything to get the resources that he needs to succeed in life.  He is doing great because his momma won't let anything stand in his way!  O, have I mentioned yet how beautiful Megan is.  Just take a look at her sometime, you will see it!  She takes my breath away!  I don't know how I ended up with her because I sure don't deserve her.  I will take her though and I am so excited that I have the privilege to spend my life with her!  Only if you all could be half as lucky as me to have someone like Megan to share your life with.  This is my Megan!

I love you so much Megan!

Joe

Intended for Life

One night this week Joe started telling me about a conversation he had with a co-worker. What she said to him infuriated me. He was telling one woman about Liam and another woman was listening. She asked Joe if I'd had an amniocentesis. Joe told her no because it would not change anything for us if we'd found out there was something wrong with the baby. The co-worker said to him, "Isn't that socially irresponsible?"

WHAT!?!?!?!

If I'd been there I'm pretty sure I would have said a lot of not nice things and someone may have had to hold me back because the urge to slap her across the face would have been hard to resist. Who does she think she is implying that for Liam to have life is in some way harmful to society? That is my son she's talking about. My son.

What gives any of us the right to determine who should or should not have life? Most fertilized eggs are not viable pregnancies. And of those, it is believed that most of them have a genetic disorder. Of those genetic disorders, it is thought the majority could be sex chromosome disorders. The odds that I carried Liam through a healthy, full-term pregnancy are pretty low. He is miraculous. So I think that in order for him to have survived the natural way God created to ensure most children are born healthy, must mean he is here for a reason. He is no accident. My body didn't screw up by allowing him the chance to enter the world. No, the Creator intended him for Life. His hand is in all creation, I believe no child is created without Him.

"For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen."

Romans 11:36

This semester I am only taking one class. Old Testament. And the last two weeks we have been talking about CREATION. I was shocked this past week to find that our discussion made me emotional. I cannot help but wonder how Liam fits into the order.

I don't know why God allows little blips in our genetics. I have always assumed that it is a result of the Fall. But is it? Are genetic disorders the same as pain, sickness, and disease? I don't know the answer to these questions but I do know that God made Liam and that his existence is not an accident and therefore he is an indispensable part of the body of Christ.

The last 6 months have been unlike any other time in my life. They feel like a blur that I can barely remember but at the same time they have impacted me deeply and permanently.

Liam. I am so proud of everything he has accomplished. He is a hard worker and very determined. My little man is a tiny guy. He weighs in at a whopping 12 pounds (Sophie Grace weighed 12 pounds at 2 months). He has great head control but still gets tired and loses it after a while. He cannot push himself up with his arms when he is on his tummy. But he can lift that head up to 90 degrees. He is no where close to sitting up. But he has worked so hard to do what he is capable of. He finally coos and babbles. He is eating rice cereal but just a tiny amount and the adjustment to food is going to be a slow process. He will gain all of these abilities eventually. But sometimes it is hard to accept that Liam is unique. There's just no comparison to other babies and it is much better to not compare him.

I am so thankful that we found out about Liam when he was only 1 week old. If we hadn't I would be freaking out right now that something is wrong with my son and we probably wouldn't have had a genetic test yet. There is an untold component to Liam's story. This untold was by far the worst part of what we have experienced with him and it is the reason we know. We aren't quite ready to tell the untold story. One day I know I have to because it will help me, but not yet.

For now, we have peace. Peace and joy in the son God blessed us with. Peace in knowing he is just who God made him to be. And peace in knowing that Liam is Intended for Life. So don't ever try to make me think that his life and our choice to give him the chance to have life is socially irresponsible.

October Prayer/Newsletter

FRASERS BY THE BAY

October 2 @ North Metro Baptist Church in Atlanta at our North American Mission Board Commissioning Service. This is the group of collegiate evangelism missionaries who were commissioned.

Commissioned to Serve

Prayer Requests - housing as we look to move off

seminary housing and into San

Francisco - pray a big, bold prayer with us

that by the end of Oct. we will be at 60% of our financial need.

- a follow-up visit to the cardiologist with Liam

- partners to join us on the field in our ministry at SFSU

Connect with us! Want to become a financial partner? Contact us by email: joeandmeganfraser@yahoo.com

Our address: 7 Judson Ln. Apt.A Mill Valley, CA 94941

Megan’s blog: myquestforjoy.blogspot.com

“Frasers in SF” on facebook

Sunday, October 2 was an important and exciting day for us. We were commissioned with 67 other North American Mission Board missionaries at North Metro Baptist Church in Lawrenceville, GA. We were a part of a group of 14 other collegiate missionaries. We spent a total of 10 days in Georgia developing prayer and financial partners for our ministry and preparing for our ministry at our commissioning training and service. Praise the Lord, we are at 37% of our financial need! We are so thankful to all of you for getting us this far and ask for your prayers as we continue on to reach 100%. We were cautioned while at our training sessions in Atlanta to raise 100% of our funds before

stepping on campus to begin our ministry. With this in mind we are going to be putting even more into our efforts to develop our financial partnership. Joe will continue prayer walking the campus as we do this. Once we start our ministry on campus we want to do so without any extra worries or stressors. We are so grateful for your support and prayers! We spent 3 days in training sessions in Atlanta leading up to our commissioning service. This was a great time of encouragement, learning, and being challenged as we go out to make disciples. We both left with a passion to share Christ with students who do not know Him. We are so excited to see God draw souls to Himself into

His kingdom! We also realize that we cannot do this alone and really need partners to serve with us on campus. Please pray that God would raise up a couple to join us in this ministry.

This also made us think about the last few months we have on this side of the Golden Gate Bridge. We really want to take this time to end the relationships that have been built over the last 4 years with Joeʼs co-workers who do not know Christ. Please pray for us to have boldness in sharing the Good News with the employees of Arch Rival Shoe Store.

We are so excited about the work we know God is going do and cannot wait to share with you next month!

Harvest

"The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.

Therefore beseech the Lord of the harvest

to send out workers into His harvest."

Matthew 9:37-38

As I sat meditating on this verse this morning, I felt this blog post brewing. I had to share this because it has challenged me and I want to send out the challenge to those willing to hear it.

Has God called only a few to work his harvest? Are the workers limited to those serving on the mission field or church staff?

I don't think so.

I believe that God has called every Christian to work the harvest. In Matthew 28:19-20 Jesus gives the command to go and make disciples. That command is not conditional or limited to only a few, it is an all inclusive COMMAND.

As Christians, you and I are called to work the harvest. That means sharing Christ daily with the people we encounter. So many of us are scared of evangelism (I will be honest and confess that I am definitely here). But it really is not an option to keep the gospel to yourself.

Jesus talked a lot about bearing fruit. He also talked about what happens if we don't bear fruit. I think that many of us are more than willing to pray for the workers of the harvest on behalf of all the missionaries we know serving around the globe. And I feel challenged to pray that prayer.

But be warned...

I believe that if we are genuinely praying for the Lord of the harvest to call more workers, we will absolutely find ourselves unable to escape the work. We are not all called to remote villages in other countries or to urban poor ministry in a U.S. city, but you have absolutely been called to serve right where you are.

So pray for the harvest and be prepared to work.

Blow

I have been sitting on this blog for almost a week now and this is the first opportunity I've had to give to writing it. Life with 2 kids, grad school, a working husband, support raising, and weekly appointments for Liam makes life crazy busy but it is actually starting to feel normal. Last week Liam had a follow-up visit with the pediatric endocrinologist. She had not seen him since he was one week old. A few hours after we left that visit we received the phone call that started this journey. We left her office that day with hope and gratitude because she had assured us that he looked perfectly normal and she expected a normal genetic karyotype. We have never resented her saying that. How could she have known? Liam is the only patient she has ever seen with this syndrome. She's so great (as all of the therapists and specialists we've seen) and we are so grateful for the care and concern. But last Thursday I left her office feeling like I'd received a blow.

Liam is doing so well. His physical therapist, oral motor therapist, and pediatrician have all observed his low muscle tone is not that bad and is most obvious and manifested in his arms. He has head control now and can roll from back to tummy on his right side. We are working on the roll from the left and teaching him to use his arms for support and helping him gain the strength he needs to do that. We are so PROUD.

BUT...(it seems there is always a but)

When I see my 5 month old next to other babies the difference is painfully obvious. Liam is the size of a 2 month old. This is perfectly fine because it is normal for his syndrome and he is following the growth curve perfectly, he just isn't on it =) Babies younger than him are able to use their arms to lift off the ground when having tummy time. Babies his age should be starting to work on sitting up. Even though Liam will get there eventually it is such a blow to see the evidence that he is behind.

We live in this world of what is normal for Liam and 49ers boys and it seems that he is doing exceptionally well when compared on that level. It makes me excited to see how excited his doctors and therapists are at his progress. But then little things remind you that while he is exceeding on this spectrum, this is not the "normal" spectrum.

The endocrinologist chatted with us about Liam's growth and his hormones and what was happening and what will happen in the future. It is all looking good. But with one small comment the blow came. She's talking to us and I hear the phrase, "cognitive developmental delay". This is not new. This is something we have always known about this syndrome. But right now Liam's delay is seen only physically.

I don't forget about what is to come but I don't always think about it. If I thought about it I would cry every day and feel completely overwhelmed. I feel like the last month I have finally been able to enjoy my baby. His personality is starting to develop and he is so SWEET.

He is social and mild mannered (unless we wait to long to feed him or put him down for a nap and who can blame him) and really, the word that best describes him is sweet. It just oozes out of him. I wish all of you knew him and could see his sweet smile in person. OMG! I cannot stand the cuteness. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this little boy. And seriously, tell me when you've seen a cuter one.

And that sweet face and all that he has accomplished so far can mask the pain but the blow brings it back with surprising force. I think there will always be blows.

About a month ago we had a "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" Sunday at church. Our church wants to do more for people in our body and in our city who are affected by disability. I think what I heard that day that meant the most to me is that Liam is an indispensable part of the body of Christ. Liam is not "disabled." He has abilities just like any other person and God created him to use those abilities for Him. I cannot wait to see what they are. I am so grateful for our loving Creator. I am so in awe of His plan and purpose for His own. I am so excited to see what He has in store for Liam. And because of Him I know I can take the blow.

Home

When I was a little girl, I confidently told my mom that when I grew up I was going to build a house in the back yard and live there. The 2 times I went to sleep away camp as a camper, I cried every night begging to go home. But by the time I reached high school, I could not wait to move away. In less than ten years I went from the one most likely to live close to home to the one most likely to leave without looking back.

Even as a child I never quite felt like I belonged. I didn't really see how I fit in this place. Home never really felt the way I thought home should feel. I always felt different from my family and friends. I never felt like I was more or less, just different and uncertain of how I fit into the world in which I was born.

I knew at a fairly young age that God was calling me to His service. That was one thing I did feel sure of. I also knew that one of my heart's greatest desires was to be married and have children. I think I was probably about 12 when I began to understand these things and I can remember how simple it felt in my child-mind.

There are places that have felt more like home to me than Chatham, VA. Let me take a little detour here and get what some would call my "crazy" out. To me, the most beautiful place in the world lies nestled in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Blacksburg, Virginia. Always a piece of me will belong to that place and maybe to the time I lived there. At that point in my life, my 4 years at Virginia Tech were by far the happiest and best. I LOVE that place. I think maybe my fellow Hokies can understand what I mean. But for me I think the love goes a little deeper than Lane Stadium roaring while "Enter Sandman" pounds the air or the fact that Hokies do indeed bleed orange and maroon and call ourselves a nation. It was while at Virginia Tech that I met people who cared about what God may be calling me to. People invested in me and discipled me. I experienced incredible spiritual growth through the leadership of the staff at the BSU/BCM and alongside the people God allowed me to call friends. I will always think of Blacksburg as home and it felt more like home than any place ever has.

I said "places" plural. There is another. A city that sits rolling up and down hills by the Bay, shining white in the distance when you look across the water, San Francisco. I love this place too but I also hate it I think. Love and hate are 2 sides of the same coin I hear. Let me explain. I am so excited that I get to live here and I so love the people, the culture, the place. But here I am so far away from my family and my friends. I have amazing friends here that I never want to leave and they are amazingly supportive. I love them dearly. But I miss my old friends too. And I miss my family more than I ever have before.

This life God gave me just gets harder and harder (I do not think I am the only person who feels the way, probably we all do, but I just need to tell you). Raising our own support, starting a ministry(which scares me so much), having 2 small children and one of them special needs; these are not things I never anticipated when I new God was calling me to serve him and I knew I wanted a husband and kids. NEVER. I have reached a place where I almost cannot handle how hard it is.

We are so poor, but it isn't the money that's so hard really. God always provides and has blessed us in incredible ways. It is stressful but it does not make me unhappy. I can be happy with just a little.

Starting the ministry is terrifying. I am so scared we will fail. When I lived in Ithaca, NY I was thrown into a situation that was completely inappropriate for someone who had just graduated college and had NO ministry experience. I have not talked about this experience very much and I will not dwell on it here for long but it is most certainly impacting what is happening in me today. I was expected to START a ministry ALONE. My supervision was distant and completely lacked knowledge about campus ministry. It was a total disaster and it took me many, many months to find myself again after I left that place. In fact, I am not sure that the Megan I used to be ever came back completely and it still makes me sad to think about that. So when I think about starting this ministry here, I think I have legitimate reason to be scared. But I know this is different. This situation is completely different.

And perhaps what is shocking me the most and making me sad in a way I have rarely experienced, is that I miss home. I wish I was closer to my family so they could see us more. I wish my kids were able to go over to their grandparents' house the way I did when I was a kid. I wish I had those willing and excited babysitters to watch the kids so I could do things I need to do or just a have a much needed break. I wouldn't worry about being a burden or owing someone something. I know that I have people who would be angry if I did not let them watch my kids on a regular basis. It is hard to be so far away even when you know it is right and even though you love it, which makes me hate it.

Perhaps I would feel this way with the difficulty of 2 kids regardless of Liam's situation. But I believe that Liam's situation makes things much harder. He is not a hard baby. He is sweet and happy and I am so proud of him! He is exceeding what my expectations were of him at this stage and I am falling more and more in love with him every day. Sophie Grace is a sassy 2 year old but I love her so much I cannot even stand it. Even when she tells me to "chill out." But I am finding that as sweet and supportive as all of our friends here are, and I could not stay here if it wasn't for them, that it's just not the same as family.

And as much as I do love the weather here it would be nice to have 4 seasons and not just, rain(winter) or am fog/sun/pm fog(summer).

So why this roller coaster of emotion and this confusion of home? I believe that the reason I have struggled to feel at home is because Earth is most certainly not my home. I think in my heart, mind, and soul, I long for my eternal home and for some reason, God has always allowed me to feel that way. It keeps me wanting Him and looking forward to life perfectly reconciled and restored to Him. And those places on Earth that have felt most like home are the places where I have been closest to Him, whether by His call for my growth or service to Him.

I would LOVE to live in Blacksburg again one day. Not sure if that will ever happen. But my greatest heart's desire is to be serving God with the man He gave me to call husband and the children He made in His image. I want to be obedient to that call no matter how difficult. Jesus never said that serving Him would be easy, in fact He told his followers to expect difficulties. I wonder if they felt at home in the hard times? So I am thankful that even in the hard times, serving Him where He wants me to be does feel like home.

Losing It

It's been way too long since I wrote and so this is going to be several posts within a post.

Determined.

Most days I don't really think about Liam being different. Maybe I am used to it and am able to associate it with him without thinking about it, or maybe it truly has left my mind. I find my days passing by quickly, and at the same time slowly, as I continue in my stay-at-home mom routine with 2 kids. The stress and joys of having a 2 year old and a baby are wearing me out but giving me so much pleasure.

But on the days that I do think about Liam being different, I am one of two things, emotional (which I have written a lot about) or determined.

I am determined to do whatever Liam needs to succeed. So we go to doctors appointments and we have several therapists teaching us exercises and ways to work with Liam in order to help him develop the way he needs to. It is overwhelming. I become consumed with this fear of not doing enough for him and being the reason why he could have been higher functioning. I just want to do the best for him so that he can be the best. I do not want to be the reason he is limited.

I am determined not to be sad or angry but to accept that this is how God made my son.

I am determined to not want to change Liam but to embrace him just the way he is without thinking about what might have been.

I am determined to be here for my family even though I am overwhelmed and exhausted.

I am determined to overcome. Overcome all the emotions the journey is taking me on. Overcome all the fears. Overcome failure. Overcome my impatience. Overcome my tiredness.

I think this determination is good but I think I have got it all wrong. The problem is that I am determined to make all this stuff happen all by myself. And I have to be honest and say that I am failing.

I am failing to not be sad or angry. The truth is, in this particular moment I am full of anger.

Injustice.

I am crying out to You. My heart is screaming to be heard.

I am lost in the torment of the injustice of it all.

IT ISN'T FAIR!

Why my son?

I just want everything to settle. I want this anger to settle into trust and faith in the Creator. I want my life to be settled and stable but I am beginning to think that will never happen. How can things feel stable and settled when we are having to raise our salary to do ministry here? This will be ongoing for the duration of our ministry here or until the ministry is possibly able to be self-sustaining.....years and years down the road. And I am not sure I will ever be able to feel settled while getting Liam to weekly therapies and his specialist check-ups. These are reminders that keep us from forgetting that our son is not normal.

Nothing about it feels fair. Nothing about it feels normal or right. It's like having an intense heart ache that comes from some kind of loss and feeling suffocated by the force. You just want things to go back to the way they used to be or to be the way you think they should be now. It's the way you feel when you actually cannot stand it.

Why did the Lord put me on this path?

A friend put this song on a cd she made me and the lyrics have always spoken to me and my walk with the Lord. Not sure if Jesus was really the artist's intent but that's how they speak to me.

Jessica Sonner, Rescue Me

If I wade into these waters, And they get too deep

Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If I get up on this mountain, And it gets too steep
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If this road gets long, And my load heavy
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If this wind starts blowin', And it gets stormy
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?

You never said that
It would be easy
But I never thought
It'd get this hard
You may stumble
And I just might fall
But we can fight this battle

If I wade into these waters, And they get too deep
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If I get up on this mountain, And it gets too steep
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If this road gets long, And my load heavy
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If this wind starts blowin', And it gets stormy
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?

Sometimes I just need
A friend to hold my hand
Someone who's gonna
Be there for me til the end
Whatever you do
I'm gonna be there for you
But honey, I just gotta know

If I give away my love, And it runs out on me
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If my heart gets broken, And I just can't breathe
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If I turn back cause, I'm too weary oh,
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?
If my soul gets lost, But I start searching,
Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?

And this is exactly how I feel these days. I need Jesus to rescue me.

Wisdom & Grace.

On July 31, 2009 she entered the world. Before we even knew she was on the way we felt that the Lord told us we would have a daughter who would do great things for him and that we were supposed to name her Grace.

As soon as we knew she was coming we knew that this would be her. We decided to do a double first name and chose Sophie for its meaning - wisdom.

We believe that she will live up to her name. We pray for her to be a woman of wisdom and grace.

She is a joy and a delight. An amazing little girl. She is perceptive and intelligent and her spirit is sweet. She has seen my tears countless times and her sweet little voice asks, "Are you sad, Mommy?" I love her.

Every night we pray with her before bed. We ask God to be with her and to draw her to him. We pray that one day she will know Jesus as her Lord and Savior.

One night this week she said to her Daddy in her sweet little voice, "One day Jesus will be my Lord and Savior."

She loves her baby brother and he loves her. She calls him, "Liam buddy." If she has his attention no one can make him look away. It is absolutely adorable. To him she much be larger than life.

And even though we are so tired and overwhelmed, we are so blessed to have such sweet kids. I think they share that. Sweet spirits, sweet souls.

Control.

I've lost it. But that is not a bad thing. My life is full of circumstances that are beyond my control. And it's ok.

I have always been a control freak but because things feel so crazy and unsettled I welcome the loss.

It's this sweet release. Letting go. Just give it up. Losing it means that there is less I have to do. And I like that because I have way too much on my plate.

I want to be a more relaxed and peaceful person. I am tired of being so uptight and anxious. Tired of the worry and fear. So I am learning to let go.

Mostly I am being forced to let go. Holding on is what makes you crazy, not losing it.

I have isolated myself, trying to do it alone. The truth is, I am not alone and I do not have to do any of this alone.

There are a lot of us who need to learn that. When we seek control we hurt others. But ultimately we hurt ourselves. We rob ourselves of freedom that Christ gives us. We cannot enjoy what is here and now because of how we seek to control what is happening around us and what will happen in the future. We deny and we justify. And all we do is worth nothing. Because the control was never ours. No amount of controlling can change what God has ordained to be in his Sovereignty.

I really believe that there is peace and rest in that. So why is it so hard to give up control? Maybe that's why, for me, he is taking control by forcing me to lose it.

And that was July.