Open My Eyes

Do you ever hear a sermon or someone share a "word" and you think, "Get out of my head! How do they know what's going on with me right now?"

They probably have no clue, but there is someone who does and He uses all kinds of instruments to reach us....even a little mini sermon in theology class.

This is what I'm sitting in right now, and have been for over a week now: 2 Peter 1:3-11, which says,

³His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, ⁴by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. ⁵For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, ⁶and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, ⁷and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. ⁸For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. ¹⁰Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. ¹¹For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

This is a passage that is both encouraging and challenging to believers. I think when the apostle Peter writes he likes to remind the church that believers are set apart from God and have a calling (1 Peter 2:9-10).For me this does 2 things: 1) I feel so honored to be one of those whom God has called and set apart and 2) I am so intimidated by that calling and feel pretty sure I will let God down. Regardless of how I feel he has saved me. My salvation has already happened and is still happening. When we believe we are sanctified and also continue in a process of sanctification (1 Thessalonians 5:23). We are not perfect yet....

Let me focus on verses 5-7 for a while. Each of these, let's call them character qualities of our faith, builds on one another until we reach the ultimate which is love. Real love. Agape love. The way God loves. Now, we can apply these to our general transformation from non-believer to believer but let's not make it that easy. Let's also say that we apply this to specific attitudes or actions we have, and this is how the work of sanctification continues in a believer's life and is not just instantaneous.

We all have something right? Whether it's an attitude you have that relates to a specific situation or maybe a character flaw, you can think of some way you need to apply this to your life. I just bet you can....

Clearly I wouldn't be sharing if I didn't. I felt so convicted when I heard this word. And so embarrassed and so ashamed. I have a bad attitude born out of something specific. I am sure I will always have something in my life that I need to apply this passage to but right now there is one that I am sitting in way too deep. And I cannot seem to let it go. I get to knowledge and then I have no trust in my ability to be self-controlled. If I am honest, I am not even sure I want to be self-controlled about it just yet. Self-control means controlling yourself just one time. One time! Then we move on to steadfastness. If I have that steadfastness then yeah, I'd say that's moving on up to godliness. Out of godliness comes brotherly affection and then love. I know I should want this and I think ultimately that is my desire but why is this so hard? I could blame this on being 9 months pregnant and while I am sure that fact most certainly does magnify my attitude it is of course an excuse and therefore does not make the attitude justifiable. So I am left convicted....ugh.

If I read verses 3 and 4 how could I not desire to work on my attitude. God called me and has done great things for me even though I am undeserving. The very least I can do is to try to be more like him. Actually, it's what I want to do because I am His. And look at verse 8, these qualities are what make our lives fruitful for the gospel! If I am stuck in this attitude which let's be honest, it is sin and oh so ugly, then how can I bear fruit for him? Don't you want to see Jesus every where you look? Wouldn't that make you a much better Christian? Wouldn't that make you free? Nearsighted and blind, basically trapped where I was without Christ (v.9). That's where I leave myself.

I get it. I can live my life sanctified, OR, I can live my life sanctified and allow Him to continue sanctifying me.

I want to see Jesus friends. I don't want to be stuck not seeing all that he is and all that he is doing. If I sit in this attitude that's what I'm missing. I've always loved that Moses told God he wanted to see his glory (Ex.33:12-23). Maybe what Peter is saying here, or what I am understanding, is that his glory is all around. It's blinders I create that keep me from seeing it.

The Foolishness of God

These thoughts are born out of a few things: a new passion I have for God's truth from taking theology this year, specifically from studying the Doctrine of Christ and the Doctrine of Salvation; 1 Corinthians 1:18-25; and the questions and thoughts that the "Rob Bell controversy" have stirred in my own mind. Please understand this is not meant to be a response, critique or anything else directed at Rob Bell and his latest book. I have not read the book and am making no statements or claims as to what I think it contains or what its author believes. This is simply where my thoughts have been taking me based on the things I am personally learning and what so many around me are talking about.

I preached my first sermon in class this last week and in my preparation I was struck by the offensiveness of the gospel. The gospel is not a message that everyone wants to embrace. In fact, most have such a hard time with it that I guess they do not embrace Jesus. Honestly, as a believer, this is hard for me to comprehend.
The gospel saved my life.

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." ~1 Cor. 1:18

So if this message that we are commanded by Jesus himself to make known to all (Matt. 28:19-20) is foolish to many who hear it and is offensive, then how would changing that message be beneficial for anyone? If it is not the whole truth then it is not the truth.

Right?

I think that concerning the gospel if some truth is being spoken then the Holy Spirit can most certainly lead an individual to the whole truth (Jn. 16:13). However, this does not mean that we should get sloppy or lazy in our presentation of the gospel. This does not mean that we focus in on certain parts that are easier to hear and accept and leave out the rest.

I think it is our responsibility to share the whole truth.

And what is that truth? This is my attempt to write out my understanding which I am aware is in no way a full understanding.

God created humanity (Gen.1:27).
Humanity did not maintain the relationship with the Creator that He intended (Gen. 3).
Throughout the Old Testament God promises that more is coming.
More arrives in the New Testament.

We cannot put God in a box or make him what we want him to be. He is every thing he says he is. And there are many seemingly contradictory aspects to his nature that are juxtaposed to one another. The one that stood out most to me last fall in my first semester of theology was that God is just and God is merciful. How can he be both?

God is HOLY. Nothing un-HOLY can be with God. Sin cannot be with God. And all of humanity is sinful (Rom. 3:23). We cannot be with God. It isn't because he doesn't want us to be, it's because of the Fall. The choice to disobey the Creator, which none of was able to escape once Adam and Eve ate the fruit in the garden.

Our sin deserves death and leads to death (Rom. 6:23).

But God is also merciful even while he is just (Rom. 5:8). God in his love and mercy sent His Son to pay the penalty for our sin. To be the propitiation for our sin (1 Jn. 4:10). We deserve the wrath of God because of our sin. But Jesus sacrificed himself and took on our sin, satisfying the wrath of God for those who believe. I believe God has made this available to all but it is only for those who believe that it is applied (Jn. 3:16). If someone chooses not to believe then don't they deserve the wrath of God because of their sin?

YES!

I deserve the wrath of God but I have a Savior who suffered that for me.

And anyone who believes does not have to face that wrath (Rom. 8:1).

So the world considers the cross foolish. But God's foolishness is "wiser than man's wisdom" (1 Cor. 1:25). If the world thinks me foolish because of what I believe, then what is the point in trying to make the gospel say or mean anything other than what it actually means? Once the whole truth comes out it's going to be foolish and offensive. I don't want anyone I share my faith with to miss the whole message. I believe there are different ways to present the message and that the same presentation does not work for everyone. But I also believe that if something is being left out of a presentation or if the presenter is trying to make the gospel conform, then the gospel is not being presented.

The gospel is what it is.

That's it and that's all.

Indescribable Joy

I think I would have to say that my sweet baby girl is currently the largest source of my joy. There really are no words to describe what it's like to be a parent and experience the love that you have for your child. I just think about her or look at a picture of her and the love and joy cannot be contained. She is so amazing. We are always so desperate for her to take a nap or go down for the night but once she's been asleep for a while we cannot wait for her to wake up again! OH I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE HER!!!!

I am so thankful that God gave us Sophie Grace. And as much as I love her and love the joy that she brings us; I am fully aware that she should not be the greatest source of my joy. My joy should be in the Lord and what He has done for me and in serving Him. I believe that He wants me to have joy in my child but I want to have more joy in Him. I want to take my understanding of the joy I have as a parent and apply that to my relationship with God. I am His daughter and as a Father doesn't He have that kind of love and joy for me (but probably even more because He is God)?

Ever since Sophie Grace was born I feel like maybe I can imagine a little bit of what God goes through with us. I am so scared that she is not to be attached to me because I work. She loves her daddy and I hope she is a daddy's girl but last week she was definitely preferring him over me and it kind of hurt my feelings. Can you imagine how we hurt our loving Heavenly Father every time we choose something instead of Him? And can you imagine how many times a day that happens? He has billions of children and the majority of them are not choosing His love.

I wonder if by not choosing His joy I do hurt Him? I can trace this back a couple of year which I will eventually write about because I think I'm doing this as part of my healing process; but right now what I can talk about is work. I hate it. Not because I hate what I do, I actually love being a preschool teacher, but because I have to leave my baby girl to do it. I always imagined staying home with my babies and going back to work once they were in school. But Sophie Grace came at a time we weren't planning and we felt like our only choice was for me to work.

Anger. That's been the result. At first I was fine. I think I didn't really let myself think about how I was leaving her, but after our 2 week Christmas break I was DONE. I finally let it all out. One Sunday night our sweet friend Sarah called us to tell us that she couldn't babysit the next day. We found another friend to do it no problem but just the fact that we were looking for a sitter made me finally let it out. I hate that I have to depend on other people to care for my baby when it should be me. I want it to be me. I was so mad that God sent us a child at a time when I would not be able to be home with her. And I told my amazing husband that I was so mad at him for not trusting God to provide another way for us because he is always telling me that God will provide. And then an overwhelming sadness came over me. I feel....

hopeless
desperate
SAD

I have to stick this out for 3 more months. Actually 3 months from today (May 28) is my last day. And yes, oh yes, I am anxiously counting down. And that day, I will feel indescribable joy.

What is joy anyway?

Joy...

What does it even mean? It's not the same thing as being happy. And believe me when I tell you that my happiness is up and down and all over the place. You can have joy and not be happy. And I think that you can have a moment of happiness and not have joy. But still the question remains....what is joy?

A wise friend once told me that joy is a prayerful choice. A choice. That means I make the decision. That means I have chosen my current state of sorrow. I'm not so sure I like that. And maybe what's even harder to grasp is that I'm not sure how to choose my way out of this.

I used to have joy. It used to bubble out of me and sustain me. It was my most treasured gift from my God. I'm not sure where I left it but if it was a gift then it still is a gift. It is mine and I want it back. Jesus told his disciples that he loved them and that by keeping his commandments they would abide in his love. He said,

"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." ~John 15:11(esv)

So by walking with Christ, abiding in his love, and obeying his commands, I can have JOY. Beautiful, right? Not too hard when you read it, but for me, at this point in time, this is harder than anything I have ever done (and I've been in labor for 15 hours and delivered an 8lb baby).

WELCOME to MY JOURNEY.

I'm not sure who you are or if you'll care. I'm not sure if this is for me, you, Him, or maybe no one at all. What I do know is that I am searching and I am confident that as I seek God I will find my joy. I have to have confidence in that. If I cannot trust; then I have nothing.

This is my now, this is my then, and this is my future....full of joy.